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| My father |
When I was growing up, I was Daddy's Little Girl. At the time, I didn't know what that meant. All I knew was that I loved my dad and he loved me. He was supposed to though, right? There were a few times I got the belt to my butt and it was SCARY. His general speaking voice is very deep and very loud so you can imagine what yelling was like. I knew my parents fought a lot but before it got really bad, there were some good days in between. My parents each had a motorcycle and we traveled around with the group every week. I think I was about 9 when my dad taught me how to drive one. He would use his legs to keep us propped up but I did the steering and changing gears. He had absolute total confidence in me. It felt amazing.
When he left, I lost more than a father. I lost strength in myself. I thought I lost the promise of a happy family. My brother was gone. My sister was gone. Now my father was gone. People kept leaving me. It was me and my mom. I knew what he did to her was wrong but sometimes I still blamed her. Maybe it wasn't blame, it was just anger with how our family was built. While others had families built of steel, our seemed to be like a straw shack sitting in the middle of a tornado. Honestly, I was 12 years old. I had so much going through my heart and head it's a wonder I turned out the way I did. Of course, that may not be a good thing either. I wonder.
For a long time it was just me and mom. She taught me to be independent. She taught me not to rely on a man for things I could do on my own. My view of love and relationships was certainly jaded. I still catch myself trying to rationalize why I feel the way I feel, in all things. I look back at high school and wonder what in the world people thought of me. I didn't fit in with the cool kids. I didn't fit in with the smart kids. Then, and now, I still battle with the feeling of not fitting in. Clothes, accessories, hair, weight.....I don't have all the right things and even the things I do get right I still question. Yes, I am fully aware it shouldn't be about "things". There used to be a time years ago that I could look in the mirror and smile back. Now, I only look in the mirror because I have to see to put make up on. Walking thru stores, seeing surveillance camera monitors, getting my hair cut, working out at the gym.....Im surrounded by mirrors and it literally makes me nauseous. You can forget about selfies from me. I never, ever, ever take pictures. Ever. (Not trying to sound like Taylor Swift, just expressing a view!!)
It took me roughly 20 years for me to come to terms with the person my father is. I will always love him and I genuinely do forgive him. It hurt so much to question why my father didn't want me, why all the lies, why the distance. It was molding me into a bitter person. There comes a point, as a person and a mother, that you have to decide what is best for you and your child. If you met him, you would probably say he is very kind and loves his family. I'm sure there's a part of him that does. Like most people, there's an underbelly and that's what you don't want to cross.
In saying all of that, I say this......your kids remember more than you know. Your tone, and your words, can make the simplest of words feel like a stake through the heart to a little girl that adores you. Every time she walks out after getting ready and you don't say a word, it's remembered. Every time you tell her she can't do something because she's a girl, it's remembered. A newly painted picture, a silly dance, a horribly sung song.....these are things that shouldn't be blown off! Your reactions to these things build a foundation for her. Every negative comment is placed in the internal file cabinet of her heart. They.....we.....remember the acknowledgements and the blow offs. You may not understand or even like something they like, but get over yourself and let them know how proud you are of them, their accomplishments, their creativity. I am NOT saying to treat your child like she's a Queen, give her everything she wants and make the world all about her. Just love her. Genuinely love her. That's all she needs. She will feel like she can conquer the world without you having to do it for her because YOU gave her the confidence to do it herself. There's no love like a mother's love but to a little girl, nothing in the world compares to the love she gets from her Daddy. Honestly, all of this applies to boys too. We're supposed to build them into strong, sensitive men that will one day be husbands and fathers. Show them now how to do it right. Don't repeat a cycle. Don't make them feel like they're a nuisance. Being a parent doesn't mean you always get the last glass of milk, last cookie, first serving of something or whatever, just because you're the adult. Being a parent doesn't mean that your children's thoughts don't matter because they're children. THAT just shows immaturity to me. ENCOURAGE them to think and do for themselves but don't expect them to know exactly how to do something. HELP them. Ugh, the more I type the madder I get so I need to stop before I get too grumpy.
My mom married a man that chose to be my dad. He loves me unconditionally and makes sure I know it. He gives his heart and soul to his family without question. My children have so many memories and continue to add more because of the person he chooses to be. It is a choice. He chooses to love us like his own. Your choice matters. So what you might have failed at it for years. SO WHAT! If you're still here, make it right. Swallow your pride and make it right. If you don't know where to start.... read this. Even if you're already doing it, read this. If you don't take the time to show her, who will? I don't know about you but that's not something I'm willing to gamble on.
