I don't know about you, but being around churchy people made me feel......uncomfortable. Inadequate. Embarrassed maybe? To hear people tell me they would pray for Emily or that she had been added to a prayer list was what I thought "typical" of a churchy person. What I didn't know was the other side of it.
Amanda put Emily's name on the prayer list. One evening, we received a surprise visit from a Sunday School teacher at Ridgecrest. Chuck Locke and his wife Monica brought a delicious loaf of bread from Atlanta Bread Company along with pamphlets and magazines from the church. Josh told me that night he was impressed that people who didn't even know us would take the time to visit. It wasn't a typical "check the box" type visit but a genuinely concerned visit. We started considering a visit to church.
Amanda wasn't naggy but she was persistent in us coming to church with them. We touched on the subject every now and then and she tried to answer any questions I had. Ridgecrest started a campaign called "Each One Reach One". It was a challenge for each member to bring one visitor to church with them. Amanda's son Joshua asked Ethan to be his guest. I didn't have a good enough excuse for that cutie. ;)
We went to church and then Sunday School. It was quite a bit different than I was used to. People were wearing JEANS. *gasp* People were actually friendly, not fake-friendly! We kept visiting and eventually joined the church just a few months later. Man, I was feeling GOOD! I was rockin' out to 94.3 all the time, reading my devotions and trying to be more aware of who I needed to be. I wanted to help people and volunteer and just do stuff all the time! I wanted to spread this amazing feeling I had going on. All the while, I still thought drinking, smoking and cussing would take me, and whoever else did it, to Hell. The people that go to Heaven dress nice, go to church every week, read their Bible and essentially never have fun......right? A friend would order a glass of wine with dinner and I would constantly look around for someone I knew from church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I was the one being judgmental and I didn't like it. I already felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling because I was (and still am) a Biblical idiot. The majority of people in our class grew up in church, in good families, graduated from college......none of which I had a clue about. I dropped out of college to have brain surgery and never went back. They didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand them. We kept plugging along though and eventually both of us got baptized.
At the time, I worked in radio. As the assistant to the General Manager, I got the brunt of his frustration many times although, no one was really safe from it. He wasn't shy about cussing and was very nonchalant about his use of "GD". Every time I heard it, it was like an elephant jumped on my chest. I didn't have a clue what was happening to me. I couldn't breathe. Josh would talk me out of it. Turns out they were panic attacks. He did come to me and apologize once and he said he didn't realize it would offend me as bad as it did. I told him that was THE worst cuss word I knew of and it bothered me for him to use it. He didn't say it again to me. However, a year or so later I got the call to go into his office. I knew the call. After 8 years there, I was fired.
Enter: Francis Chan, Crazy Love
Our Sunday School class began a study on this book. Whatever I felt I knew about being saved was nothing compared to what I learned from this book. I had never felt more insignificant in my life. THIS VIDEO ROCKED MY WORLD Take a minute, click on the link and watch it.
I loved the book but it made me think about things in an entirely different way. Doubt crept up.
The next book pretty much did me in. I just checked out. Week after week I got further away.
New-to-me buzzwords started flying around, such as "gospel centered, community, legalism vs law". My brain was on overload. I began to learn things that I didn't like. Things I didn't understand and I certainly didn't agree with filled my tiny brain. I questioned things all the time and for the most part all I was told was "the human mind can't comprehend everything God does. You just have to believe and have faith." I wasn't trying to be a tyrant. I was worried I was agnostic or even an atheist. Why in the world would I put my complete faith in something after the life I had so far? How is it possible that MY life matters after watching that Francis Chan video? If there is such thing as predestination then why bother trying to save people if they're going to Hell regardless? I heard one pastor say EVERYONE has the choice to believe and live an eternity in Heaven and I've heard another say that only the "chosen" will be allowed to go to Heaven IF they choose to believe. With all these questions and doubts, does that mean no matter how hard I try is it possible I'm NOT chosen? Why should I worship a God who has let my mother live in absolute agony for years upon years of her life, a God who allows children and elderly to be literally beaten to death? How could one person dying literally "save" us from an eternity in Hell if we just believed it happened and try to live like Him? How do people in remote villages of the world that have never heard of God or the Bible go to Heaven?? It all just seemed like a big unbelievable story to me. Why doesn't God "talk" to people like he used to, hearing his voice like thunder? Where are the miracles of people being brought back to life? If demons inhabited people back then, isn't it possible for them to do it today? How freakin scary is THAT?!?! WHY are there so many different religions and what makes OURS right if everyone else thinks theirs is?? King James Version vs All Versions. If the will of God was set before I was even born, then why pray? Why pray?!?! Why pray for anyone at all if God already has their life mapped out?? I was told by a pastor to look at it from a Parent/Child point of view. The parent is willing to give to the child and all the child has to do is come ask for it. So God is holding a blessing for me but is waiting for me to ask for it, and if I don't ask then I don't get it? More and more and more thoughts went through my head. Instead of either book helping me, it created a divide. Don't get me wrong. Like I said, I love the Chan book because it will knock you flat on your butt with the truth. I just wasn't dealing with it all very well. I started to back off from church and from the Bible. I was borderline defiant. I talked to Amanda. I talked to Dena. I talked to our pastor and his wife. I talked to Josh. NO ONE could give me the answers that I needed to hear because, there is no concrete answer. God just is. You either accept it or you don't. You either die to yourself and serve God or you don't. You can live your entire life being an ass, hurt people or whatever else but as long as you repent and believe before you die you have as much cover as Mother Theresa. I didnt get it.
God's honest truth? I still feel the same in a lot of ways. Not all but some. I stay confused. I'm still a Biblical idiot but I do have a little more knowledge than I did before. I'm looking for more concrete answers than I'll ever find. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. It shouldn't, but it drives me crazy to see people post all this church stuff and Bible verses yet I know how they live, I know how they act. That's ME judging them and that's not right either. I'm failing my children as the provider of a Christian foundation because I don't have a full understanding of what I believe!! It's the parents responsibility to educate the children about God and I have failed.
I'm hoping that by homeschooling Ethan this year that I will have a more clear understanding. I may be more excited than he is about what we are going to learn in the Bible. These last few weeks have stirred a more positive feeling in me. I feel like I am getting back on track, or at least I have the yearning to get there. I believe in God. I believe Jesus died for me. I do believe. But I also believe the Devil will never, EVER let up on me. For that matter, neither will God.
As I close out this very DEEP blog, I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry every time I watch it. You've probably seen skits of it. If you've never seen it, really watch and pay attention. I decided to watch it once more since I haven't seen it in a while.....true to my word, more tears. Even if you HAVE seen it before, watch it again.
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