Im sitting here reading about the movie theater shooting in Lafayette, Louisiana. I have a dear friend who lives in Lafayette and had just taken her kids to that theater a week ago.
With each new story that rolls out, my heart aches. Don't just READ the story of the shooting, absorb it and realize it's not just 3 people that died.....3 PEOPLE DIED just from going to a movie!!! Doesn't that infuriate you like it does me? Doesn't it break your heart? What if it was your wife who had gone out with the girls for the night and you nonchalantly said bye to her when she left because you knew she would be home later. She's not. She's gone. Does that change how you view that story at all? IT SHOULD!
Let's not forget the horror the father will have to live with for the rest of his life when hearing, "Help me Dad!" as his daughter dies from being shot. Again, don't just read that. IMAGINE it was your kid.
I understand being cautious and teaching our kids to watch out for
strangers, look both ways, etc. We can teach them about things like that. There's an evil that's developed and it
seems impossible to prepare for because you literally have NO idea when
or where it will attack. Is it possible to teach something you don't understand because I certainly don't understand this world we're living in? It's not just in big cities like New York, LA
or Chicago. Lafayette, Louisiana! Chattanooga, Tennessee where we
were just on vacation!!
Our world has become so numb to everything. We read the headlines of the news for the day. We watch the "breaking news" to tell us of some new disastrous situation that's just happened. We watch it, may even post about it on Facebook, say a prayer and then keep on moving along. We're dehumanizing so many things in an effort to just survive.
PEOPLE!!!! This WHOLE world is in serious trouble and aside from Jesus returning to save us from all of this, I just don't see anything getting any better! I actually see it getting worse. How many stories of leaving animals and children in hot cars will it take?? We hear about that almost weekly now. The dog that was shot TWICE and left on the railroad tracks. The dog that had the duct tape around its muzzle. Hanging puppies and posting the pictures. Beyond that, beheading innocent children for believing in God. Veterans not being taken care of. SELLING DEAD BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! Going into a church and killing so many innocent people because of the hate in his heart. Killing our soldiers on OUR ground. And on and on and on.....
Now we're going to get geared up for a Presidential Election. In a time where the world needs to come together, all of these candidates are already strategizing how to annihilate their opponents. Who really wins when you people do that? Stop worrying about smearing your opponents and show us what YOU have done and will do. You know what that reminds me of? Elementary school tattle-tailing. "Obama did so and soooooo", "Yeah well Hilary did it first"......such childishness. Why don't you all just go ahead and end every campaign commercial with "Yo Momma!" I mean, wasn't that the stereotypical comeback from kids?
Seriously though people, I truly hope you've reconciled in your heart what you believe because the time IS coming. I don't know about you, but there's nothing comparable to an eternity in Heaven and I know, with absolute certainty that is where I'm going. Believing in God isn't enough. You can't just say "Oh yeah, I believe in God!" Even the demons believe in God, right? What are you going to do with your belief?
He's coming back.......and tomorrow's not soon enough.
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Friday, July 24, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I've Got A Blank Space Baby......
We all do. A friend of mine posted something interesting on New
Years Eve. After her post, I saw it literally everywhere so apparently
people liked it!!
"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
How simple is that? As with most things, it's easier said than done. However, it is nice to think that at the end of every year, my "book" ends and a new one begins. Some years are Best Sellers and some need to be in the bargain bin. No matter what was written on those pages in the past, it's comforting to know that I am forgiven and I am loved, thank you God!!!
Where does 2014 fit in for me? Amongst all the bad there was a lot of good so I think somewhere in middle fits just fine. I'm not sure if it's possible to do a recap but I will try (with the help of my trusty Facebook timeline!!):
Our year started out with a trip to the Humane Society. Our first. The kids and I delivered some blankets that were donated through the SGA at Heard. That place hurts my heart so badly. I have to keep a total blackout in my brain when it comes to thinking about the amount of neglected and abused animals in this world. Kudos to Ian Somerhalder for all of his work with ISF. I wish there was enough money in this world to take care of them all.
In February, Ethan FINALLY got contacts! He's been wearing glasses since he was 2 years old. OMGoodness did he bloom after he got them! He went from having a shaved head to a head FULL of hair. He's a totally different kid.
In March, Ethan and Emily performed in a Talent Show at Heard with their friends, Devin & Tonantzin. They did an awesome dance to Jailhouse Rock and ended up in 3rd place! Also in March, we took our first camping trip to Cape San Blas/Indian Pass, Florida. The beach was literally right outside of our camper AND it was completely empty. We were able to take Triggy with us and we even were able to take him with us into town at Appalachicola to eat dinner! We really had a great vacation together.
April brought a birthday for the E's. It was our first double digit birthday!! Mom was well enough at the time to go to church so we visited Southside with them. We followed that with our annual family birthday dinner at Outback.
In May, Ethan's Cub Scout den was promoted to Boy Scouts at the Arrow of Light ceremony. Webelos is supposed to take two years to complete but their den leader had them complete it in only a year. Ethan really enjoyed the aspect of Cub Scouts, and even Boy Scouts, but his interest diminished quickly and he withdrew from Scouts.
May also brought another school year to a close. Ethan was in his last year at Heard (a 5th grader) and earned Student of the Year, Valedictorian, straight A's for 5 years and winner of the Academic Bowl. He really is amazing to watch. For his accomplishments, his dad got him his own rifle. It turns out, hunting isn't really his thing but he enjoys shooting so at least he will be able to use it on clays.
In June, we returned to our home church of Ridgecrest Baptist Church. This was NOT an easy decision for us to make. We had made some wonderful friendships at Redeemer but ultimately we made the decision we thought would be best for our family. The kids also attended their first week-long camp at Camp Victory. They absolutely loved it and didn't want to leave when we picked them up!! Josh and I went to New Orleans for a couple of days while they were at camp. I can safely say that was probably our last trip to New Orleans for a while.
In July, we took a road trip vacation! Our first stop was to Akron, Ohio to visit my side of the family. We had Strickland's custard. This has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember!!!
We visited the Amish stores & restaurants and we attended the annual Powell family picnic!! From there we went to Monroe, Michigan to visit Josh's side of the family. We met them in Sandusky, Ohio and hit up Cedar Point Amusement Park. AWESOMMMMMME!!!!!!
On the way home, we stopped in Gatlinburg for a few days. Hiking is one of our most favorite things to do as a family. We collect medallions from each trail that we complete!
Josh always leads, followed by Emily, Ethan and then me. As Josh was walking around a small curve, I saw the bushes on his left move a little bit. I held the kids back because they moved a bit more. Out walked a bear not even 5 feet from Josh!!! The bear casually walked up the path a bit and then headed up into the mountain. Talk about an adrenaline rush!!!!
July was a big birthday for me as I finally joined the "40" club. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was bothered because I had not lost the weight I wanted to before I hit the age but at least I hit it!! I started writing this blog in the summer of 2014 as well. I would have NEVER believed it would become what it has. I wish I had taken the time to stretch out the stories instead of posting every day. I knew I would run out of things to say. Nevertheless, the words of encouragement have been amazing and I thank each of you that have expressed them to me!!! I haven't totally dismissed the book idea..... If you're wondering what Im talking about, feel free to start the "series" from the beginning here: The Introduction
August 2014 was a month I will never forget. After years of talks and questions, the kids finally sat down with Brother Lloyd and had the talk. Talk they did....for several hours! Ultimately, they both came to the conclusion to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and to follow it with baptism. SO proud of them for making that decision!
School started back in August. This
year began a little different than others though. I started
homeschooling Ethan when Emily went back to school for 5th grade. I had
no idea what to expect and was scared to death I would fail at
educating my child. It was a little rocky to start with but we found
our groove quickly and we were zooming through the curriculum.
Until......
I am definitely not going to go into detail on the whys of it all, but Josh and I decided to pull Emily from school so she could be homeschooled as well. I pulled Ethan back a bit and sped Emily up so we could all be on the same page. It took a couple of weeks but we finally got there!
In September, we traveled to Children's Hospital for Emmy's annual heart check up. Everything looked good but most importantly, her doctor cleared her to FINALLY start taking gymnastics! She isn't allowed to be in competitive gymnastics though.
Ethan decided to start taking art lessons. I definitely think he found his hobby because he is fantastic!!! I'm proud for them to be able to do the things they love!
I started Advocare in October, thanks to Amanda and her sister-in-law, Haley. It's a last ditch effort since I seem to fail at everything else and the possibility of being on The Biggest Loser is non-existent!! At this point (January 2015), I've lost 16 pounds so apparently we're doing something right! I have 84 more to go but at least its a start!
At the end of October, I got braces. Yes, a 40 year old woman with braces. I don't know what I was thinking. I have to wear these for a year. Next Christmas I will have orthognathic surgery followed by another year of braces. Aside from the pain in getting used to them for the first few weeks, I can say that the worst part of braces for me is eating. Eating is absolutely disgusting now. Food gets stuck in cracks and crevices. I have to be conscious about every bite so I can make sure there's nothing left when I'm finished. Swishing food out afterwards is just gross. Bleh.
November & December brought the normal holiday fare. Josh is still flying back and forth from California and it really is going well. We were able to provide the kids with a nice Christmas without going overboard AND sticking to our rule on paying cash for everything. It's a pain some times but it's also very gratifying to be able to pay for something without the strings of debt attached.
We welcomed a new family member this year, Lincoln Godwin (our nephew by way of Whitney & Ryan). We celebrated birthdays and milestones together. Mom's health is declining but she's still with us and she still has that sassy streak in her.
My time with the PTO at Heard is also coming to an end as I pass on my treasurer duties. At first I was a little upset about not being in the day-to-day craziness but time has shown me that I made the right decision. It has been an eye opener to say the least. I don't know if teachers don't realize it or if they do it intentionally but things that are said in front of students are heard, and repeated. It stings a bit.
We've made a lot of new friends and built stronger relationships with those we already knew. We also lost several friendships but, it happens. Some are just seasonal I suppose!
So, what about your blank space, baby????
"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
How simple is that? As with most things, it's easier said than done. However, it is nice to think that at the end of every year, my "book" ends and a new one begins. Some years are Best Sellers and some need to be in the bargain bin. No matter what was written on those pages in the past, it's comforting to know that I am forgiven and I am loved, thank you God!!!
Where does 2014 fit in for me? Amongst all the bad there was a lot of good so I think somewhere in middle fits just fine. I'm not sure if it's possible to do a recap but I will try (with the help of my trusty Facebook timeline!!):
Our year started out with a trip to the Humane Society. Our first. The kids and I delivered some blankets that were donated through the SGA at Heard. That place hurts my heart so badly. I have to keep a total blackout in my brain when it comes to thinking about the amount of neglected and abused animals in this world. Kudos to Ian Somerhalder for all of his work with ISF. I wish there was enough money in this world to take care of them all.
In February, Ethan FINALLY got contacts! He's been wearing glasses since he was 2 years old. OMGoodness did he bloom after he got them! He went from having a shaved head to a head FULL of hair. He's a totally different kid.
In March, Ethan and Emily performed in a Talent Show at Heard with their friends, Devin & Tonantzin. They did an awesome dance to Jailhouse Rock and ended up in 3rd place! Also in March, we took our first camping trip to Cape San Blas/Indian Pass, Florida. The beach was literally right outside of our camper AND it was completely empty. We were able to take Triggy with us and we even were able to take him with us into town at Appalachicola to eat dinner! We really had a great vacation together.
April brought a birthday for the E's. It was our first double digit birthday!! Mom was well enough at the time to go to church so we visited Southside with them. We followed that with our annual family birthday dinner at Outback.
In May, Ethan's Cub Scout den was promoted to Boy Scouts at the Arrow of Light ceremony. Webelos is supposed to take two years to complete but their den leader had them complete it in only a year. Ethan really enjoyed the aspect of Cub Scouts, and even Boy Scouts, but his interest diminished quickly and he withdrew from Scouts.
May also brought another school year to a close. Ethan was in his last year at Heard (a 5th grader) and earned Student of the Year, Valedictorian, straight A's for 5 years and winner of the Academic Bowl. He really is amazing to watch. For his accomplishments, his dad got him his own rifle. It turns out, hunting isn't really his thing but he enjoys shooting so at least he will be able to use it on clays.
In June, we returned to our home church of Ridgecrest Baptist Church. This was NOT an easy decision for us to make. We had made some wonderful friendships at Redeemer but ultimately we made the decision we thought would be best for our family. The kids also attended their first week-long camp at Camp Victory. They absolutely loved it and didn't want to leave when we picked them up!! Josh and I went to New Orleans for a couple of days while they were at camp. I can safely say that was probably our last trip to New Orleans for a while.
In July, we took a road trip vacation! Our first stop was to Akron, Ohio to visit my side of the family. We had Strickland's custard. This has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember!!!
We visited the Amish stores & restaurants and we attended the annual Powell family picnic!! From there we went to Monroe, Michigan to visit Josh's side of the family. We met them in Sandusky, Ohio and hit up Cedar Point Amusement Park. AWESOMMMMMME!!!!!!
On the way home, we stopped in Gatlinburg for a few days. Hiking is one of our most favorite things to do as a family. We collect medallions from each trail that we complete!
Josh always leads, followed by Emily, Ethan and then me. As Josh was walking around a small curve, I saw the bushes on his left move a little bit. I held the kids back because they moved a bit more. Out walked a bear not even 5 feet from Josh!!! The bear casually walked up the path a bit and then headed up into the mountain. Talk about an adrenaline rush!!!!
July was a big birthday for me as I finally joined the "40" club. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was bothered because I had not lost the weight I wanted to before I hit the age but at least I hit it!! I started writing this blog in the summer of 2014 as well. I would have NEVER believed it would become what it has. I wish I had taken the time to stretch out the stories instead of posting every day. I knew I would run out of things to say. Nevertheless, the words of encouragement have been amazing and I thank each of you that have expressed them to me!!! I haven't totally dismissed the book idea..... If you're wondering what Im talking about, feel free to start the "series" from the beginning here: The Introduction
August 2014 was a month I will never forget. After years of talks and questions, the kids finally sat down with Brother Lloyd and had the talk. Talk they did....for several hours! Ultimately, they both came to the conclusion to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and to follow it with baptism. SO proud of them for making that decision!
I am definitely not going to go into detail on the whys of it all, but Josh and I decided to pull Emily from school so she could be homeschooled as well. I pulled Ethan back a bit and sped Emily up so we could all be on the same page. It took a couple of weeks but we finally got there!
In September, we traveled to Children's Hospital for Emmy's annual heart check up. Everything looked good but most importantly, her doctor cleared her to FINALLY start taking gymnastics! She isn't allowed to be in competitive gymnastics though.
Ethan decided to start taking art lessons. I definitely think he found his hobby because he is fantastic!!! I'm proud for them to be able to do the things they love!
 |
| Drawing at 1st lesson |
 |
| The rest of these are after 1 month of lessons |
I started Advocare in October, thanks to Amanda and her sister-in-law, Haley. It's a last ditch effort since I seem to fail at everything else and the possibility of being on The Biggest Loser is non-existent!! At this point (January 2015), I've lost 16 pounds so apparently we're doing something right! I have 84 more to go but at least its a start!
At the end of October, I got braces. Yes, a 40 year old woman with braces. I don't know what I was thinking. I have to wear these for a year. Next Christmas I will have orthognathic surgery followed by another year of braces. Aside from the pain in getting used to them for the first few weeks, I can say that the worst part of braces for me is eating. Eating is absolutely disgusting now. Food gets stuck in cracks and crevices. I have to be conscious about every bite so I can make sure there's nothing left when I'm finished. Swishing food out afterwards is just gross. Bleh.
November & December brought the normal holiday fare. Josh is still flying back and forth from California and it really is going well. We were able to provide the kids with a nice Christmas without going overboard AND sticking to our rule on paying cash for everything. It's a pain some times but it's also very gratifying to be able to pay for something without the strings of debt attached.
We welcomed a new family member this year, Lincoln Godwin (our nephew by way of Whitney & Ryan). We celebrated birthdays and milestones together. Mom's health is declining but she's still with us and she still has that sassy streak in her.
My time with the PTO at Heard is also coming to an end as I pass on my treasurer duties. At first I was a little upset about not being in the day-to-day craziness but time has shown me that I made the right decision. It has been an eye opener to say the least. I don't know if teachers don't realize it or if they do it intentionally but things that are said in front of students are heard, and repeated. It stings a bit.
We've made a lot of new friends and built stronger relationships with those we already knew. We also lost several friendships but, it happens. Some are just seasonal I suppose!
So, what about your blank space, baby????
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Hell on Earth
I'm sitting here surrounded by contradiction. In front of me I see our beautiful little Christmas tree, my little Christmas village above the entertainment center and a sappy love story on Lifetime. My dog is upside down on the couch with his legs spread wide open. He knows he's safe and loved. My children are in their beds, tucked in neatly and covered with night night kisses. They know they're safe and loved. Even my husband, who is sometimes thousands of miles away from me, can rest easy when he sleeps after working grueling hours in order to provide for his family. He knows he's loved and definitely appreciated.
However, when I flip the channel or scroll through Facebook, I'm doused in hatred. Abuse to animals runs rampant. It's sickening. Hundreds of horses laying dead in a field. Puppies hanging from trees. Thousands of animals being burned, beaten and even killed for no reason other than pure evil. People are randomly stabbed while just walking down the street or simply using a public restroom in a mall. Protests are rising up in city after city. Some are peaceful while others.....well, not so much. School and workplace shootings seem to be a monthly occurrence. Children are being slaughtered in front of their parents for being Christians. Billboards from atheists referencing Christmas and fairy tales relating to church. That was just THIS WEEK!! The disgust I feel for the world we live in nearly overtakes my ability to hold on to some sort of hope. Nearly, but not completely. Every day I pray for this to be the day that the heavens open up and Jesus takes us home!
But....who is us? For story's sake, let me put it this way. Say there's a woman called "Ann". Ann goes to church every Sunday morning. She volunteers on various committees at church as well as committees at her children's school. She donates money to charities. She doesn't know how to say NO even though saying yes compromises things she already has planned. Her radio is tuned to the local contemporary christian station. Her Facebook is filled with scripture and encouraging posts. She is a dedicated wife, mother, neighbor and friend. But......is she a Christian? Will she be one of the ones saved from this world if Jesus returns in her lifetime?
A recent Sunday school lesson invoked some serious thoughts about myself and people in general. It was explored further in a conversation with Amanda. "How do you know?" By looking at and interacting with someone, how do you know they're a Christian? By all accounts, "Ann" is what most people would call a "good" person and most would even assume she is a Christian. Here's the thing. She's not. Will Jesus take her home if he busted through the clouds right now? That's something that only she and God know the true answer to.
The only way we will even get close to knowing is to invest in "Ann". Where is she from? What does she like to do? What are her thoughts on God? Does she believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for our sins? Do we, as a society, take time to invest in people's lives not for the sole pleasure of gossip but because we actually CARE. Do we ask the hard questions? Due to my own insecurities, I can easily say that I don't ask the hard questions. I don't invest in others like I should.
The Bible says that whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. EVERYONE should be given the opportunity to accept or reject Christ. Everyone means everyone. This world is a mess. There's no doubt about that. I don't know if it's getting worse or it just appears that way because of the access we have to more worldwide information.
However, when I flip the channel or scroll through Facebook, I'm doused in hatred. Abuse to animals runs rampant. It's sickening. Hundreds of horses laying dead in a field. Puppies hanging from trees. Thousands of animals being burned, beaten and even killed for no reason other than pure evil. People are randomly stabbed while just walking down the street or simply using a public restroom in a mall. Protests are rising up in city after city. Some are peaceful while others.....well, not so much. School and workplace shootings seem to be a monthly occurrence. Children are being slaughtered in front of their parents for being Christians. Billboards from atheists referencing Christmas and fairy tales relating to church. That was just THIS WEEK!! The disgust I feel for the world we live in nearly overtakes my ability to hold on to some sort of hope. Nearly, but not completely. Every day I pray for this to be the day that the heavens open up and Jesus takes us home!
But....who is us? For story's sake, let me put it this way. Say there's a woman called "Ann". Ann goes to church every Sunday morning. She volunteers on various committees at church as well as committees at her children's school. She donates money to charities. She doesn't know how to say NO even though saying yes compromises things she already has planned. Her radio is tuned to the local contemporary christian station. Her Facebook is filled with scripture and encouraging posts. She is a dedicated wife, mother, neighbor and friend. But......is she a Christian? Will she be one of the ones saved from this world if Jesus returns in her lifetime?
A recent Sunday school lesson invoked some serious thoughts about myself and people in general. It was explored further in a conversation with Amanda. "How do you know?" By looking at and interacting with someone, how do you know they're a Christian? By all accounts, "Ann" is what most people would call a "good" person and most would even assume she is a Christian. Here's the thing. She's not. Will Jesus take her home if he busted through the clouds right now? That's something that only she and God know the true answer to.
The only way we will even get close to knowing is to invest in "Ann". Where is she from? What does she like to do? What are her thoughts on God? Does she believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for our sins? Do we, as a society, take time to invest in people's lives not for the sole pleasure of gossip but because we actually CARE. Do we ask the hard questions? Due to my own insecurities, I can easily say that I don't ask the hard questions. I don't invest in others like I should.
The Bible says that whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. EVERYONE should be given the opportunity to accept or reject Christ. Everyone means everyone. This world is a mess. There's no doubt about that. I don't know if it's getting worse or it just appears that way because of the access we have to more worldwide information.
I saw a comment the other day that stuck with me. Although the quote is from Albert Camus, an atheist, I love what it says. "I would rather live my life as if there
is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live as if there isn't
and to die to find out that there is."
Have I questioned His existence? Have I tried to understand the magnitude of everything He encompasses and then get aggravated when I can't understand it? Do I get annoyed with Christian jargon people throw around? ABSOLUTELY! But, my faith assures me that there is a God and I will continue to believe that without fail. It is, you know, the greatest commandment. Matthew 22: 37-39 says......37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'
So, by looking at me, how do you know I'm a Christian? You don't. You won't. Not until you choose to invest in me and I in you. Our world doesn't stand a chance unless society can grasp that one simple task. Sadly, I just don't see that happening. So, I'll hold on to the hope that one day soon, the heavens will open and these days of what are literally "Hell on Earth" for so many will fall away.
~Allyson~
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
To Be or Not To Be...The Eternal Question
As a married couple with children, every once in a while Josh and I would throw the idea around of going to church. He did not have a good experience with church either so we were both just kinda bleh about it. When we moved into the new house, we were surrounded by neighbors who attended the same church. We were asked several times to go but neither of us wanted to commit to it. Of course, something would ALWAYS come up. But, then Emily's situation happened.
I don't know about you, but being around churchy people made me feel......uncomfortable. Inadequate. Embarrassed maybe? To hear people tell me they would pray for Emily or that she had been added to a prayer list was what I thought "typical" of a churchy person. What I didn't know was the other side of it.
Amanda put Emily's name on the prayer list. One evening, we received a surprise visit from a Sunday School teacher at Ridgecrest. Chuck Locke and his wife Monica brought a delicious loaf of bread from Atlanta Bread Company along with pamphlets and magazines from the church. Josh told me that night he was impressed that people who didn't even know us would take the time to visit. It wasn't a typical "check the box" type visit but a genuinely concerned visit. We started considering a visit to church.
Amanda wasn't naggy but she was persistent in us coming to church with them. We touched on the subject every now and then and she tried to answer any questions I had. Ridgecrest started a campaign called "Each One Reach One". It was a challenge for each member to bring one visitor to church with them. Amanda's son Joshua asked Ethan to be his guest. I didn't have a good enough excuse for that cutie. ;)
We went to church and then Sunday School. It was quite a bit different than I was used to. People were wearing JEANS. *gasp* People were actually friendly, not fake-friendly! We kept visiting and eventually joined the church just a few months later. Man, I was feeling GOOD! I was rockin' out to 94.3 all the time, reading my devotions and trying to be more aware of who I needed to be. I wanted to help people and volunteer and just do stuff all the time! I wanted to spread this amazing feeling I had going on. All the while, I still thought drinking, smoking and cussing would take me, and whoever else did it, to Hell. The people that go to Heaven dress nice, go to church every week, read their Bible and essentially never have fun......right? A friend would order a glass of wine with dinner and I would constantly look around for someone I knew from church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I was the one being judgmental and I didn't like it. I already felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling because I was (and still am) a Biblical idiot. The majority of people in our class grew up in church, in good families, graduated from college......none of which I had a clue about. I dropped out of college to have brain surgery and never went back. They didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand them. We kept plugging along though and eventually both of us got baptized.
At the time, I worked in radio. As the assistant to the General Manager, I got the brunt of his frustration many times although, no one was really safe from it. He wasn't shy about cussing and was very nonchalant about his use of "GD". Every time I heard it, it was like an elephant jumped on my chest. I didn't have a clue what was happening to me. I couldn't breathe. Josh would talk me out of it. Turns out they were panic attacks. He did come to me and apologize once and he said he didn't realize it would offend me as bad as it did. I told him that was THE worst cuss word I knew of and it bothered me for him to use it. He didn't say it again to me. However, a year or so later I got the call to go into his office. I knew the call. After 8 years there, I was fired.
Our Sunday School class began a study on this book. Whatever I felt I knew about being saved was nothing compared to what I learned from this book. I had never felt more insignificant in my life. THIS VIDEO ROCKED MY WORLD Take a minute, click on the link and watch it.
I loved the book but it made me think about things in an entirely different way. Doubt crept up.
The next book pretty much did me in. I just checked out. Week after week I got further away.
New-to-me buzzwords started flying around, such as "gospel centered, community, legalism vs law". My brain was on overload. I began to learn things that I didn't like. Things I didn't understand and I certainly didn't agree with filled my tiny brain. I questioned things all the time and for the most part all I was told was "the human mind can't comprehend everything God does. You just have to believe and have faith." I wasn't trying to be a tyrant. I was worried I was agnostic or even an atheist. Why in the world would I put my complete faith in something after the life I had so far? How is it possible that MY life matters after watching that Francis Chan video? If there is such thing as predestination then why bother trying to save people if they're going to Hell regardless? I heard one pastor say EVERYONE has the choice to believe and live an eternity in Heaven and I've heard another say that only the "chosen" will be allowed to go to Heaven IF they choose to believe. With all these questions and doubts, does that mean no matter how hard I try is it possible I'm NOT chosen? Why should I worship a God who has let my mother live in absolute agony for years upon years of her life, a God who allows children and elderly to be literally beaten to death? How could one person dying literally "save" us from an eternity in Hell if we just believed it happened and try to live like Him? How do people in remote villages of the world that have never heard of God or the Bible go to Heaven?? It all just seemed like a big unbelievable story to me. Why doesn't God "talk" to people like he used to, hearing his voice like thunder? Where are the miracles of people being brought back to life? If demons inhabited people back then, isn't it possible for them to do it today? How freakin scary is THAT?!?! WHY are there so many different religions and what makes OURS right if everyone else thinks theirs is?? King James Version vs All Versions. If the will of God was set before I was even born, then why pray? Why pray?!?! Why pray for anyone at all if God already has their life mapped out?? I was told by a pastor to look at it from a Parent/Child point of view. The parent is willing to give to the child and all the child has to do is come ask for it. So God is holding a blessing for me but is waiting for me to ask for it, and if I don't ask then I don't get it? More and more and more thoughts went through my head. Instead of either book helping me, it created a divide. Don't get me wrong. Like I said, I love the Chan book because it will knock you flat on your butt with the truth. I just wasn't dealing with it all very well. I started to back off from church and from the Bible. I was borderline defiant. I talked to Amanda. I talked to Dena. I talked to our pastor and his wife. I talked to Josh. NO ONE could give me the answers that I needed to hear because, there is no concrete answer. God just is. You either accept it or you don't. You either die to yourself and serve God or you don't. You can live your entire life being an ass, hurt people or whatever else but as long as you repent and believe before you die you have as much cover as Mother Theresa. I didnt get it.
God's honest truth? I still feel the same in a lot of ways. Not all but some. I stay confused. I'm still a Biblical idiot but I do have a little more knowledge than I did before. I'm looking for more concrete answers than I'll ever find. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. It shouldn't, but it drives me crazy to see people post all this church stuff and Bible verses yet I know how they live, I know how they act. That's ME judging them and that's not right either. I'm failing my children as the provider of a Christian foundation because I don't have a full understanding of what I believe!! It's the parents responsibility to educate the children about God and I have failed.
I'm hoping that by homeschooling Ethan this year that I will have a more clear understanding. I may be more excited than he is about what we are going to learn in the Bible. These last few weeks have stirred a more positive feeling in me. I feel like I am getting back on track, or at least I have the yearning to get there. I believe in God. I believe Jesus died for me. I do believe. But I also believe the Devil will never, EVER let up on me. For that matter, neither will God.
As I close out this very DEEP blog, I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry every time I watch it. You've probably seen skits of it. If you've never seen it, really watch and pay attention. I decided to watch it once more since I haven't seen it in a while.....true to my word, more tears. Even if you HAVE seen it before, watch it again.
I don't know about you, but being around churchy people made me feel......uncomfortable. Inadequate. Embarrassed maybe? To hear people tell me they would pray for Emily or that she had been added to a prayer list was what I thought "typical" of a churchy person. What I didn't know was the other side of it.
Amanda put Emily's name on the prayer list. One evening, we received a surprise visit from a Sunday School teacher at Ridgecrest. Chuck Locke and his wife Monica brought a delicious loaf of bread from Atlanta Bread Company along with pamphlets and magazines from the church. Josh told me that night he was impressed that people who didn't even know us would take the time to visit. It wasn't a typical "check the box" type visit but a genuinely concerned visit. We started considering a visit to church.
Amanda wasn't naggy but she was persistent in us coming to church with them. We touched on the subject every now and then and she tried to answer any questions I had. Ridgecrest started a campaign called "Each One Reach One". It was a challenge for each member to bring one visitor to church with them. Amanda's son Joshua asked Ethan to be his guest. I didn't have a good enough excuse for that cutie. ;)
We went to church and then Sunday School. It was quite a bit different than I was used to. People were wearing JEANS. *gasp* People were actually friendly, not fake-friendly! We kept visiting and eventually joined the church just a few months later. Man, I was feeling GOOD! I was rockin' out to 94.3 all the time, reading my devotions and trying to be more aware of who I needed to be. I wanted to help people and volunteer and just do stuff all the time! I wanted to spread this amazing feeling I had going on. All the while, I still thought drinking, smoking and cussing would take me, and whoever else did it, to Hell. The people that go to Heaven dress nice, go to church every week, read their Bible and essentially never have fun......right? A friend would order a glass of wine with dinner and I would constantly look around for someone I knew from church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I was the one being judgmental and I didn't like it. I already felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling because I was (and still am) a Biblical idiot. The majority of people in our class grew up in church, in good families, graduated from college......none of which I had a clue about. I dropped out of college to have brain surgery and never went back. They didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand them. We kept plugging along though and eventually both of us got baptized.
At the time, I worked in radio. As the assistant to the General Manager, I got the brunt of his frustration many times although, no one was really safe from it. He wasn't shy about cussing and was very nonchalant about his use of "GD". Every time I heard it, it was like an elephant jumped on my chest. I didn't have a clue what was happening to me. I couldn't breathe. Josh would talk me out of it. Turns out they were panic attacks. He did come to me and apologize once and he said he didn't realize it would offend me as bad as it did. I told him that was THE worst cuss word I knew of and it bothered me for him to use it. He didn't say it again to me. However, a year or so later I got the call to go into his office. I knew the call. After 8 years there, I was fired.
Enter: Francis Chan, Crazy Love
Our Sunday School class began a study on this book. Whatever I felt I knew about being saved was nothing compared to what I learned from this book. I had never felt more insignificant in my life. THIS VIDEO ROCKED MY WORLD Take a minute, click on the link and watch it.
I loved the book but it made me think about things in an entirely different way. Doubt crept up.
The next book pretty much did me in. I just checked out. Week after week I got further away.
New-to-me buzzwords started flying around, such as "gospel centered, community, legalism vs law". My brain was on overload. I began to learn things that I didn't like. Things I didn't understand and I certainly didn't agree with filled my tiny brain. I questioned things all the time and for the most part all I was told was "the human mind can't comprehend everything God does. You just have to believe and have faith." I wasn't trying to be a tyrant. I was worried I was agnostic or even an atheist. Why in the world would I put my complete faith in something after the life I had so far? How is it possible that MY life matters after watching that Francis Chan video? If there is such thing as predestination then why bother trying to save people if they're going to Hell regardless? I heard one pastor say EVERYONE has the choice to believe and live an eternity in Heaven and I've heard another say that only the "chosen" will be allowed to go to Heaven IF they choose to believe. With all these questions and doubts, does that mean no matter how hard I try is it possible I'm NOT chosen? Why should I worship a God who has let my mother live in absolute agony for years upon years of her life, a God who allows children and elderly to be literally beaten to death? How could one person dying literally "save" us from an eternity in Hell if we just believed it happened and try to live like Him? How do people in remote villages of the world that have never heard of God or the Bible go to Heaven?? It all just seemed like a big unbelievable story to me. Why doesn't God "talk" to people like he used to, hearing his voice like thunder? Where are the miracles of people being brought back to life? If demons inhabited people back then, isn't it possible for them to do it today? How freakin scary is THAT?!?! WHY are there so many different religions and what makes OURS right if everyone else thinks theirs is?? King James Version vs All Versions. If the will of God was set before I was even born, then why pray? Why pray?!?! Why pray for anyone at all if God already has their life mapped out?? I was told by a pastor to look at it from a Parent/Child point of view. The parent is willing to give to the child and all the child has to do is come ask for it. So God is holding a blessing for me but is waiting for me to ask for it, and if I don't ask then I don't get it? More and more and more thoughts went through my head. Instead of either book helping me, it created a divide. Don't get me wrong. Like I said, I love the Chan book because it will knock you flat on your butt with the truth. I just wasn't dealing with it all very well. I started to back off from church and from the Bible. I was borderline defiant. I talked to Amanda. I talked to Dena. I talked to our pastor and his wife. I talked to Josh. NO ONE could give me the answers that I needed to hear because, there is no concrete answer. God just is. You either accept it or you don't. You either die to yourself and serve God or you don't. You can live your entire life being an ass, hurt people or whatever else but as long as you repent and believe before you die you have as much cover as Mother Theresa. I didnt get it.
God's honest truth? I still feel the same in a lot of ways. Not all but some. I stay confused. I'm still a Biblical idiot but I do have a little more knowledge than I did before. I'm looking for more concrete answers than I'll ever find. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. It shouldn't, but it drives me crazy to see people post all this church stuff and Bible verses yet I know how they live, I know how they act. That's ME judging them and that's not right either. I'm failing my children as the provider of a Christian foundation because I don't have a full understanding of what I believe!! It's the parents responsibility to educate the children about God and I have failed.
I'm hoping that by homeschooling Ethan this year that I will have a more clear understanding. I may be more excited than he is about what we are going to learn in the Bible. These last few weeks have stirred a more positive feeling in me. I feel like I am getting back on track, or at least I have the yearning to get there. I believe in God. I believe Jesus died for me. I do believe. But I also believe the Devil will never, EVER let up on me. For that matter, neither will God.
As I close out this very DEEP blog, I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry every time I watch it. You've probably seen skits of it. If you've never seen it, really watch and pay attention. I decided to watch it once more since I haven't seen it in a while.....true to my word, more tears. Even if you HAVE seen it before, watch it again.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Walking With The Devil
Faith? Right. What faith did I have? Yes, I made it through brain surgery. Yes, I
got pregnant with twins and had a (relatively) safe delivery. For each good I could think of two bad. Relying on God to get through this next chapter in our lives was not the first thing I thought about.
Matthew 8:26 And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.
To understand where I was, you need to understand the past. I'm digging deep into the memory bank for this one......
We rarely attended church when my parents were together. When I spent the night with Granny, I always went. I sat in the balcony with a sweet elderly man named Julian Tyler whose wife was in the choir with Granny. I either doodled or napped but I never paid attention. I would fill in the letters that had holes in the bulletin (a,b,d,p etc). I never felt like I fit in with the kids. Although I did have one friend, Elizabeth Colarusso. I was always SO happy when she was there so I wouldn't have to be alone.
After church, Granny and I would go to Jack's across from Dothan High School to get burgers. When we finished lunch, she would sit in her chair and read the Sunday paper while the NFL games were on. Funny how certain things are etched into your brain.
I think I have a picture somewhere of my father in a suit. It had to be a special occasion because we didn't normally attend church. It wasn't foundational. My parents would fight all week, we would go to church on Sunday and they would pick right back up where they left off when we got home. I heard other families talking about where they were going to meet for lunch together and I always wanted to do that!! Needless to say, I didn't know a thing about God, Jesus or the gospel. All I knew was that if you drank, smoked or cussed you were going to Hell. Rules. Judgement. Stuff I just didn't want to hear.
When my parents split up, I left for a week. I stayed with my Granny and some with Heather. Anywhere but home. I honestly can't even remember why or when but at some point I took a walk down the aisle. (Things are kinda fuzzy around that time period.) I took the walk and then I had to meet with a lady every week for about 6 weeks or so to learn the basics of being a Christian. I had to learn the books of the Bible, do worksheets etc. After I finished the course, I was baptized. It was some sort of Survival course. I was 12ish.
I don't remember life changing much afterwards. Apparently it didn't because I have a good collection of memories with Laura & Heather and they definitely were not church-worthy.
At one point, I was playing with Ouija boards, writing 666 & anarchy symbols on my speakers in my room. It was a show. I didn't really want to worship the Devil. It was just a heavy metal thing and I loved my head bangin' circle of friends. I had fluffy red carpet, a huge fluffy white bedspread, a black light and I fell asleep every night listening to "Metallica-And Justice For All". This is what my room looked like:
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One afternoon I was home alone playing with the Ouija board when my Granny knocked on the door. I got up, went to the door and talked to her for a little bit. She left and when I went back to the Ouija board, I asked who was at the door. It told me my Granny. I completely FREAKED out. A couple of other strange occurrences happened and I got more and more weirded out. My mom was worried so I had pastors calling me talking to me about the 666 stuff and how I was acting. They might as well have been talking to a wall. I wasn't ready to hear any of it. Honestly, I can't even tell you what flipped the switch to make me get out of that stuff.
Something happened around 14-15 when I went on a trip with the church youth group. Not a clue where we went. I do remember leaving chapel one night, walking alone and crying because of the guilt I felt in how I was living. I vowed to be a better person and to get my life straight. When I got back home, I talked to Chris (Wier) about what happened to me and how I wanted to change. Two weeks maybe? It didn't last long. Chris went to church with me one night to see some speaker or revival and people stared at us the whole time. I wasn't imagining it. We were in the top row of the balcony so it was obvious when people were turning around in their seats to look up at us. He had extremely long hair and apparently it wasn't welcome.
My mom remarried and they attended church every week. They both sang in the choir so I went as well. I still don't remember a thing about it, only the feeling that I just didn't belong. I didn't feel comfortable. They went, I didn't. I would fake sleep, fake sick, not be home.....anything I could do to get out of going to church, I did it. Her husband, although super nice in the beginning, eventually became someone different than she married. He was vain. He was, I don't know. I have a hard time finding a word. The last straw came when he kicked me out while my mother was in the bed with the flu. I didn't go anywhere......but he did. Another divorce.
My Granny always asked me to come to The Living Christmas Tree because she was in the choir. I would typically go to that and loved it while I was there. After that, church became a thing of the past. All I knew was judgement and the feeling of being unaccepted. Chad (Wiebelt) is Catholic so when we dated, I wanted to convert just so I would be able to drink. That's so funny to think about now. How ridiculous was I?
My teen years passed. Early twenties passed. Brain surgery passed. Josh and I got married at the Court House, no church service. Late twenties passed.
I feared God in the sense that I just didn't want to go to Hell. I wasn't really willing to change my life to live for Him. I did the crap prayer of "If you'll just give me THIS, I won't ask you for anything ever again!" I knew I was supposed to honor my mother and father but there's no way I was about to do that after what I had been through as a kid. I held on to a lot of anger and resentment. I didn't even go through half of what my brother and sister did so I can't imagine how they feel.
My (lack of) relationship with God was an ongoing battle between surrendering to Him or living life for myself. As it stood, I was winning the battle....until I received terrifying news about the most precious thing in the world to me.
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