Walking With The Devil

Faith?  Right.  What faith did I have? Yes, I made it through brain surgery.  Yes, I
got pregnant with twins and had a (relatively) safe delivery.  For each good I could think of two bad. Relying on God to get through this next chapter in our lives was not the first thing I thought about. 

Matthew 8:26   And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

To understand where I was, you need to understand the past.  I'm digging deep into the memory bank for this one......

We rarely attended church when my parents were together. When I spent the night with Granny, I always went.  I sat in the balcony with a sweet elderly man named Julian Tyler whose wife was in the choir with Granny.  I either doodled or napped but I never paid attention.  I would fill in the letters that had holes in the bulletin (a,b,d,p etc). I never felt like I fit in with the kids.  Although I did have one friend, Elizabeth Colarusso.   I was always SO happy when she was there so I wouldn't have to be alone.
After church, Granny and I would go to Jack's across from Dothan High School to get burgers.  When we finished lunch, she would sit in her chair and read the Sunday paper while the NFL games were on.  Funny how certain things are etched into your brain.
I think I have a picture somewhere of my father in a suit.  It had to be a special occasion because we didn't normally attend church.  It wasn't foundational.  My parents would fight all week, we would go to church on Sunday and they would pick right back up where they left off when we got home.  I heard other families talking about where they were going to meet for lunch together and I always wanted to do that!!  Needless to say, I didn't know a thing about God, Jesus or the gospel.  All I knew was that if you drank, smoked or cussed you were going to Hell.  Rules. Judgement. Stuff I just didn't want to hear.
When my parents split up, I left for a week.  I stayed with my Granny and some with Heather.  Anywhere but home.  I honestly can't even remember why or when but at some point I took a walk down the aisle.  (Things are kinda fuzzy around that time period.) I took the walk and then I had to meet with a lady every week for about 6 weeks or so to learn the basics of being a Christian.  I had to learn the books of the Bible, do worksheets etc.  After I finished the course, I was baptized.  It was some sort of Survival course.  I was 12ish.
I don't remember life changing much afterwards.  Apparently it didn't because I have a good collection of memories with Laura & Heather and they definitely were not church-worthy.
At one point, I was playing with Ouija boards, writing 666 & anarchy symbols on my speakers in my room.  It was a show.  I didn't really want to worship the Devil.  It was just a heavy metal thing and I loved my head bangin' circle of friends.  I had fluffy red carpet, a huge fluffy white bedspread, a black light and I fell asleep every night listening to "Metallica-And Justice For All".  This is what my room looked like:

One afternoon I was home alone playing with the Ouija board when my Granny knocked on the door.  I got up, went to the door and talked to her for a little bit.  She left and when I went back to the Ouija board, I asked who was at the door.  It told me my Granny.  I completely FREAKED out.  A couple of other strange occurrences happened and I got more and more weirded out.  My mom was worried so I had pastors calling me talking to me about the 666 stuff and how I was acting.  They might as well have been talking to a wall.  I wasn't ready to hear any of it.  Honestly, I can't even tell you what flipped the switch to make me get out of that stuff. 
Something happened around 14-15 when I went on a trip with the church youth group.  Not a clue where we went.  I do remember leaving chapel one night, walking alone and crying because of the guilt I felt in how I was living.  I vowed to be a better person and to get my life straight.  When I got back home, I talked to Chris (Wier) about what happened to me and how I wanted to change.  Two weeks maybe?  It didn't last long.  Chris went to church with me one night to see some speaker or revival and people stared at us the whole time.  I wasn't imagining it.  We were in the top row of the balcony so it was obvious when people were turning around in their seats to look up at us.  He had extremely long hair and apparently it wasn't welcome. 
My mom remarried and they attended church every week.  They both sang in the choir so I went as well.  I still don't remember a thing about it, only the feeling that I just didn't belong.  I didn't feel comfortable.  They went, I didn't.  I would fake sleep, fake sick, not be home.....anything I could do to get out of going to church, I did it.  Her husband, although super nice in the beginning, eventually became someone different than she married.  He was vain.  He was, I don't know.  I have a hard time finding a word.  The last straw came when he kicked me out while my mother was in the bed with the flu. I didn't go anywhere......but he did. Another divorce.
My Granny always asked me to come to The Living Christmas Tree because she was in the choir.  I would typically go to that and loved it while I was there.  After that, church became a thing of the past.  All I knew was judgement and the feeling of being unaccepted.  Chad (Wiebelt) is Catholic so when we dated, I wanted to convert just so I would be able to drink.  That's so funny to think about now.  How ridiculous was I?
My teen years passed.  Early twenties passed.  Brain surgery passed.  Josh and I got married at the Court House, no church service.  Late twenties passed.
I feared God in the sense that I just didn't want to go to Hell.  I wasn't really willing to change my life to live for Him.   I did the crap prayer of "If you'll just give me THIS, I won't ask you for anything ever again!" I knew I was supposed to honor my mother and father but there's no way I was about to do that after what I had been through as a kid.  I held on to a lot of anger and resentment.  I didn't even go through half of what my brother and sister did so I can't imagine how they feel.
My (lack of) relationship with God was an ongoing battle between surrendering to Him or living life for myself.  As it stood, I was winning the battle....until I received terrifying news about the most precious thing in the world to me.