Hell on Earth

I'm sitting here surrounded by contradiction.  In front of me I see our beautiful little Christmas tree, my little Christmas village above the entertainment center and a sappy love story on Lifetime.  My dog is upside down on the couch with his legs spread wide open.  He knows he's safe and loved.  My children are in their beds, tucked in neatly and covered with night night kisses.  They know they're safe and loved.  Even my husband, who is sometimes thousands of miles away from me, can rest easy when he sleeps after working grueling hours in order to provide for his family.  He knows he's loved and definitely appreciated.

However, when I flip the channel or scroll through Facebook,  I'm doused in hatred.  Abuse to animals runs rampant.  It's sickening.  Hundreds of horses laying dead in a field.  Puppies hanging from trees.  Thousands of animals being burned, beaten and even killed for no reason other than pure evil.  People are randomly stabbed while just walking down the street or simply using a public restroom in a mall.  Protests are rising up in city after city.  Some are peaceful while others.....well, not so much.  School and workplace shootings seem to be a monthly occurrence. Children are being slaughtered in front of their parents for being Christians.  Billboards from atheists referencing Christmas and fairy tales relating to church.  That was just THIS WEEK!!  The disgust I feel for the world we live in nearly overtakes my ability to hold on to some sort of hope.  Nearly, but not completely.  Every day I pray for this to be the day that the heavens open up and Jesus takes us home!

But....who is us?  For story's sake, let me put it this way.  Say there's a woman called "Ann".  Ann goes to church every Sunday morning.  She volunteers on various committees at church as well as committees at her children's school.  She donates money to charities.  She doesn't know how to say NO even though saying yes compromises things she already has planned.  Her radio is tuned to the local contemporary christian station.  Her Facebook is filled with scripture and encouraging posts.  She is a dedicated wife, mother, neighbor and friend.  But......is she a Christian?  Will she be one of the ones saved from this world if Jesus returns in her lifetime?

A recent Sunday school lesson invoked some serious thoughts about myself and people in general.  It was explored further in a conversation with Amanda.  "How do you know?"  By looking at and interacting with someone, how do you know they're a Christian?   By all accounts, "Ann" is what most people would call a "good" person and most would even assume she is a Christian.  Here's the thing.  She's not.  Will Jesus take her home if he busted through the clouds right now?  That's something that only she and God know the true answer to. 

The only way we will even get close to knowing is to invest in "Ann".  Where is she from? What does she like to do? What are her thoughts on God? Does she believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for our sins? Do we, as a society, take time to invest in people's lives not for the sole pleasure of gossip but because we actually CARE.  Do we ask the hard questions?   Due to my own insecurities, I can easily say that I don't ask the hard questions.  I don't invest in others like I should. 

The Bible says that whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  EVERYONE should be given the opportunity to accept or reject Christ.  Everyone means everyone.  This world is a mess.  There's no doubt about that.  I don't know if it's getting worse or it just appears that way because of the access we have to more worldwide information.

I saw a comment the other day that stuck with me.  Although the quote is from Albert Camus, an atheist, I love what it says. "I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live as if there isn't and to die to find out that there is."  

Have I questioned His existence? Have I tried to understand the magnitude of everything He encompasses and then get aggravated when I can't understand it? Do I get annoyed with Christian jargon people throw around?  ABSOLUTELY!  But, my faith assures me that there is a God and I will continue to believe that without fail.  It is, you know, the greatest commandment.  Matthew 22: 37-39 says......³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'

So, by looking at me, how do you know I'm a Christian?  You don't.  You won't.  Not until you choose to invest in me and I in you.  Our world doesn't stand a chance unless society can grasp that one simple task.  Sadly, I just don't see that happening.  So, I'll hold on to the hope that one day soon, the heavens will open and these days of what are literally "Hell on Earth" for so many will fall away.  

~Allyson~

One Year Later......

This is another copy & paste of something I wrote back in 2008.  This was a year after her surgery.



Emilys Heart Appt in Bham...and some serious thoughts
Sept 17, 2008

I truly believe that God chose to use my daughter.  I absolutely wholeheartedly believe that.  I believe that He knew she had enough of a fight in her that she could pull through this whole surgery issue we've had to go through and accomplish the job He intended.  Look at all the good that has come out of it.
Because of her surgery, Josh and I met some amazing new people that prayed for us when they didn't even know who we were.  I just didn't get that, until now.  Because of her surgery, we now are a praying family. 
Ya know, it's sad that it takes something so detrimental to happen to someone or to some family for them to realize everything we have realized.  It shouldn't be that way and we all know it.  If anyone had asked me a year ago if I would be like this, I would have probably told them it was something I chose not to discuss with anyone and grabbed another shot of Jose.  Yeah, the parties were fun.  And yeah, I laughed until I thought I would pee in my pants (probably did a couple of times).  But NONE of that even compares to the feeling I get when my husband takes time to stop the car on our way to Bham, grab my hand and pray for our little girl's doctor's appt with the most sincere and loving voice I've ever heard come out of him.  Or, on the night before my surgery, hearing him pray to God that the doctors take care of his wife and that everything has a good outcome.  A voluntary vocal prayer coming from someone who wouldn't have thought about it 6 months ago.
I do have some amazing friends.  People that I've hurt in the past that have found it in their hearts to forgive me, (a God thing), people that maintain a bond no matter the distance because of the strength of trust and love in the friendship (a God thing), people that have proven time and time again without fail that they are in it for the long haul and there's no substitute (a God thing)....and that's just skimming the surface.  I have finally been able to surround myself with people that I KNOW I can count on.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, I gotta stop and go to bed!  Im so sleepy from the trip!
Ok, emmy's appt.  The ridge is not back.  Her surgery was a success.  There is a 1 in 10 chance it could come back so we are keeping track of it.  (REMEMBER THIS PART FOR A LATER BLOG) We have to go back in 1.5 years.  She will eventually have to have the valve replacement surgery but that's way later on.
If you took time to read through all of this, then I thank you for doing so.
Goodnight and I love you.....

_________________________________________________________________________________

The kids were turning 5 soon and it was time to plan our annual vacation!!!
~Allyson~

To Be or Not To Be...The Eternal Question

As a married couple with children, every once in a while Josh and I would throw the idea around of going to church.  He did not have a good experience with church either so we were both just kinda bleh about it. When we moved into the new house, we were surrounded by neighbors who attended the same church.  We were asked several times to go but neither of us wanted to commit to it.  Of course, something would ALWAYS come up.  But, then Emily's situation happened.

I don't know about you, but being around churchy people made me feel......uncomfortable.  Inadequate.  Embarrassed maybe?  To hear people tell me they would pray for Emily or that she had been added to a prayer list was what I thought "typical" of a churchy person.  What I didn't know was the other side of it.

Amanda put Emily's name on the prayer list.  One evening, we received a surprise visit from a Sunday School teacher at Ridgecrest. Chuck Locke and his wife Monica brought a delicious loaf of bread from Atlanta Bread Company along with pamphlets and magazines from the church.  Josh told me that night he was impressed that people who didn't even know us would take the time to visit.  It wasn't a typical "check the box" type visit but a genuinely concerned visit.  We started considering a visit to church.

Amanda wasn't naggy but she was persistent in us coming to church with them.  We touched on the subject every now and then and she tried to answer any questions I had.  Ridgecrest started a campaign called "Each One Reach One".  It was a challenge for each member to bring one visitor to church with them.  Amanda's son Joshua asked Ethan to be his guest.  I didn't have a good enough excuse for that cutie. ;)

We went to church and then Sunday School.  It was quite a bit different than I was used to.  People were wearing JEANS.  *gasp*  People were actually friendly, not fake-friendly! We kept visiting and eventually joined the church just a few months later.  Man, I was feeling GOOD!  I was rockin' out to 94.3 all the time, reading my devotions and trying to be more aware of who I needed to be.  I wanted to help people and volunteer and just do stuff all the time!  I wanted to spread this amazing feeling I had going on.  All the while, I still thought drinking, smoking and cussing would take me, and whoever else did it, to Hell.  The people that go to Heaven dress nice, go to church every week, read their Bible and essentially never have fun......right?  A friend would order a glass of wine with dinner and I would constantly look around for someone I knew from church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!  I was the one being judgmental and I didn't like it.  I already felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling because I was (and still am) a Biblical idiot.  The majority of people in our class grew up in church, in good families, graduated from college......none of which I had a clue about.  I dropped out of college to have brain surgery and never went back.  They didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand them.  We kept plugging along though and eventually both of us got baptized.
At the time, I worked in radio.  As the assistant to the General Manager, I got the brunt of his frustration many times although, no one was really safe from it.  He wasn't shy about cussing and was very nonchalant about his use of "GD".  Every time I heard it, it was like an elephant jumped on my chest.  I didn't have a clue what was happening to me.  I couldn't breathe. Josh would talk me out of it.  Turns out they were panic attacks. He did come to me and apologize once and he said he didn't realize it would offend me as bad as it did.  I told him that was THE worst cuss word I knew of and it bothered me for him to use it.  He didn't say it again to me.  However, a year or so later I got the call to go into his office.  I knew the call.   After 8 years there, I was fired.

Enter: Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Our Sunday School class began a study on this book.  Whatever I felt I knew about being saved was nothing compared to what I learned from this book.  I had never felt more insignificant in my life.  THIS VIDEO ROCKED MY WORLD  Take a minute, click on the link and watch it. 
I loved the book but it made me think about things in an entirely different way.  Doubt crept up.
The next book pretty much did me in.  I just checked out.  Week after week I got further away.

New-to-me buzzwords started flying around, such as "gospel centered, community, legalism vs law".  My brain was on overload.  I began to learn things that I didn't like.  Things I didn't understand and I certainly didn't agree with filled my tiny brain.  I questioned things all the time and for the most part all I was told was "the human mind can't comprehend everything God does.  You just have to believe and have faith."  I wasn't trying to be a tyrant.   I was worried I was agnostic or even an atheist.  Why in the world would I put my complete faith in something after the life I had so far?  How is it possible that MY life matters after watching that Francis Chan video?  If there is such thing as predestination then why bother trying to save people if they're going to Hell regardless?  I heard one pastor say EVERYONE has the choice to believe and live an eternity in Heaven and I've heard another say that only the "chosen" will be allowed to go to Heaven IF they choose to believe.  With all these questions and doubts, does that mean no matter how hard I try is it possible I'm NOT chosen?  Why should I worship a God who has let my mother live in absolute agony for years upon years of her life, a God who allows children and elderly to be literally beaten to death?  How could one person dying literally "save" us from an eternity in Hell if we just believed it happened and try to live like Him?  How do people in remote villages of the world that have never heard of God or the Bible go to Heaven??  It all just seemed like a big unbelievable story to me.  Why doesn't God "talk" to people like he used to, hearing his voice like thunder?  Where are the miracles of people being brought back to life?  If demons inhabited people back then, isn't it possible for them to do it today?  How freakin scary is THAT?!?!  WHY are there so many different religions and what makes OURS right if everyone else thinks theirs is??  King James Version vs All Versions.  If the will of God was set before I was even born, then why pray?  Why pray?!?! Why pray for anyone at all if God already has their life mapped out??  I was told by a pastor to look at it from a Parent/Child point of view.  The parent is willing to give to the child and all the child has to do is come ask for it.  So God is holding a blessing for me but is waiting for me to ask for it, and if I don't ask then I don't get it?  More and more and more thoughts went through my head.  Instead of either book helping me, it created a divide.  Don't get me wrong.  Like I said, I love the Chan book because it will knock you flat on your butt with the truth.  I just wasn't dealing with it all very well.  I started to back off from church and from the Bible.  I was borderline defiant.  I talked to Amanda.  I talked to Dena.  I talked to our pastor and his wife.  I talked to Josh.  NO ONE could give me the answers that I needed to hear because, there is no concrete answer.  God just is.  You either accept it or you don't.  You either die to yourself and serve God or you don't.  You can live your entire life being an ass, hurt people or whatever else but as long as you repent and believe before you die you have as much cover as Mother Theresa. I didnt get it.

God's honest truth?  I still feel the same in a lot of ways.  Not all but some.  I stay confused. I'm still a Biblical idiot but I do have a little more knowledge than I did before.  I'm looking for more concrete answers than I'll ever find. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting.  It shouldn't, but it drives me crazy to see people post all this church stuff and Bible verses yet I know how they live, I know how they act.  That's ME judging them and that's not right either. I'm failing my children as the provider of a Christian foundation because I don't have a full understanding of what I believe!!  It's the parents responsibility to educate the children about God and I have failed.

I'm hoping that by homeschooling Ethan this year that I will have a more clear understanding.  I may be more excited than he is about what we are going to learn in the Bible. These last few weeks have stirred a more positive feeling in me.  I feel like I am getting back on track, or at least I have the yearning to get there.  I believe in God.  I believe Jesus died for me.  I do believe.  But I also believe the Devil will never, EVER let up on me.  For that matter, neither will God.

As I close out this very DEEP blog, I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry every time I watch it.  You've probably seen skits of it.  If you've never seen it, really watch and pay attention.  I decided to watch it once more since I haven't seen it in a while.....true to my word, more tears. Even if you HAVE seen it before, watch it again.

Is This You?

Walking With The Devil

Faith?  Right.  What faith did I have? Yes, I made it through brain surgery.  Yes, I
got pregnant with twins and had a (relatively) safe delivery.  For each good I could think of two bad. Relying on God to get through this next chapter in our lives was not the first thing I thought about. 

Matthew 8:26   And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

To understand where I was, you need to understand the past.  I'm digging deep into the memory bank for this one......

We rarely attended church when my parents were together. When I spent the night with Granny, I always went.  I sat in the balcony with a sweet elderly man named Julian Tyler whose wife was in the choir with Granny.  I either doodled or napped but I never paid attention.  I would fill in the letters that had holes in the bulletin (a,b,d,p etc). I never felt like I fit in with the kids.  Although I did have one friend, Elizabeth Colarusso.   I was always SO happy when she was there so I wouldn't have to be alone.
After church, Granny and I would go to Jack's across from Dothan High School to get burgers.  When we finished lunch, she would sit in her chair and read the Sunday paper while the NFL games were on.  Funny how certain things are etched into your brain.
I think I have a picture somewhere of my father in a suit.  It had to be a special occasion because we didn't normally attend church.  It wasn't foundational.  My parents would fight all week, we would go to church on Sunday and they would pick right back up where they left off when we got home.  I heard other families talking about where they were going to meet for lunch together and I always wanted to do that!!  Needless to say, I didn't know a thing about God, Jesus or the gospel.  All I knew was that if you drank, smoked or cussed you were going to Hell.  Rules. Judgement. Stuff I just didn't want to hear.
When my parents split up, I left for a week.  I stayed with my Granny and some with Heather.  Anywhere but home.  I honestly can't even remember why or when but at some point I took a walk down the aisle.  (Things are kinda fuzzy around that time period.) I took the walk and then I had to meet with a lady every week for about 6 weeks or so to learn the basics of being a Christian.  I had to learn the books of the Bible, do worksheets etc.  After I finished the course, I was baptized.  It was some sort of Survival course.  I was 12ish.
I don't remember life changing much afterwards.  Apparently it didn't because I have a good collection of memories with Laura & Heather and they definitely were not church-worthy.
At one point, I was playing with Ouija boards, writing 666 & anarchy symbols on my speakers in my room.  It was a show.  I didn't really want to worship the Devil.  It was just a heavy metal thing and I loved my head bangin' circle of friends.  I had fluffy red carpet, a huge fluffy white bedspread, a black light and I fell asleep every night listening to "Metallica-And Justice For All".  This is what my room looked like:

One afternoon I was home alone playing with the Ouija board when my Granny knocked on the door.  I got up, went to the door and talked to her for a little bit.  She left and when I went back to the Ouija board, I asked who was at the door.  It told me my Granny.  I completely FREAKED out.  A couple of other strange occurrences happened and I got more and more weirded out.  My mom was worried so I had pastors calling me talking to me about the 666 stuff and how I was acting.  They might as well have been talking to a wall.  I wasn't ready to hear any of it.  Honestly, I can't even tell you what flipped the switch to make me get out of that stuff. 
Something happened around 14-15 when I went on a trip with the church youth group.  Not a clue where we went.  I do remember leaving chapel one night, walking alone and crying because of the guilt I felt in how I was living.  I vowed to be a better person and to get my life straight.  When I got back home, I talked to Chris (Wier) about what happened to me and how I wanted to change.  Two weeks maybe?  It didn't last long.  Chris went to church with me one night to see some speaker or revival and people stared at us the whole time.  I wasn't imagining it.  We were in the top row of the balcony so it was obvious when people were turning around in their seats to look up at us.  He had extremely long hair and apparently it wasn't welcome. 
My mom remarried and they attended church every week.  They both sang in the choir so I went as well.  I still don't remember a thing about it, only the feeling that I just didn't belong.  I didn't feel comfortable.  They went, I didn't.  I would fake sleep, fake sick, not be home.....anything I could do to get out of going to church, I did it.  Her husband, although super nice in the beginning, eventually became someone different than she married.  He was vain.  He was, I don't know.  I have a hard time finding a word.  The last straw came when he kicked me out while my mother was in the bed with the flu. I didn't go anywhere......but he did. Another divorce.
My Granny always asked me to come to The Living Christmas Tree because she was in the choir.  I would typically go to that and loved it while I was there.  After that, church became a thing of the past.  All I knew was judgement and the feeling of being unaccepted.  Chad (Wiebelt) is Catholic so when we dated, I wanted to convert just so I would be able to drink.  That's so funny to think about now.  How ridiculous was I?
My teen years passed.  Early twenties passed.  Brain surgery passed.  Josh and I got married at the Court House, no church service.  Late twenties passed.
I feared God in the sense that I just didn't want to go to Hell.  I wasn't really willing to change my life to live for Him.   I did the crap prayer of "If you'll just give me THIS, I won't ask you for anything ever again!" I knew I was supposed to honor my mother and father but there's no way I was about to do that after what I had been through as a kid.  I held on to a lot of anger and resentment.  I didn't even go through half of what my brother and sister did so I can't imagine how they feel.
My (lack of) relationship with God was an ongoing battle between surrendering to Him or living life for myself.  As it stood, I was winning the battle....until I received terrifying news about the most precious thing in the world to me.