The UNHappiest Place On Earth

Yes, I am officially going on record by saying that we did NOT like DisneyWorld.  Loathing to the point of hate actually.  It could quite possibly be our own fault though......

The kids were coming up on their 5th birthday.  We thought that would be a good age for them to go.  Instead of going in their birthday month of April, we went in February to avoid school crowds and the heat.  We opted for the 4 night package but there was a special going on, Buy 4 Get 3 Free.  What a mistake.....

Josh and I were still trying to fix our marriage so there were some very raw emotions still out there.  NOT the best time to take a vacation.  For 8 days.  With two 5 year old children. Needless to say there were a LOT of tears shed.

I made reservations for some really great meals and we enjoyed those so much!!  We didn't care for the in between meals where you're herded around like cattle for a dinky overpriced chicken strip meal.  We didn't have to ride the bigger rides because they were still so little so that wasn't too much of a problem.  What drove Josh crazy was the character signatures.  At 5 years old, when the kids saw a princess, they wanted to go meet her.  If they saw her again, they wanted another autograph. Those characters were the equivalent of me running into Julia Roberts  (by the way, my most favorite actress in the history of ever).   We stood in line after line to get those autographs and it drove Josh crazy.  There were several other things that led to the demise of our vacation.  At one point, Josh had one kid and I had the other and we were in completely separate areas of the park. 

Yeah, this was a baaaaaad idea, as you can tell from Ethan's face.   Good thing you can't see Josh's face.  Not Emmy though!!

The street performers kept jokingly saying "Shhhh don't wake the baby!" and Emmy did not like it at all.  She grabbed his hand and told them to stop  making fun of her brother!!!

I remember pulling into the driveway when we got home.  I met Amanda in the middle and just hugged her like crazy.  Lost it.  Boo-hoo'ed.

We had a LOT of work to do on our family.  What we were doing wasn't working.  I really hated that our trip went so bad.  I'm hoping that one day, before the kids get too old, that we will be able to go again and have a much better outcome!!  Josh and I just recently talked about trying to go back since we're in a better place and the kids are older.  We are either going next Fall or wait for our niece Lillian to get a little older so we can all go as a family.

Later on that year, Emily had surgery #2.  Frenulectomy.  Know what that is?  Google it :)  Our dear sweet Dr. Davis took care of Emily.  Her surgery didn't last 10 minutes.  Recovery wasn't too bad either!

 Since we had such an awful vacation in Disney, we desperately wanted to make it up so we planned our 4th cruise.  This time we left out of Miami and cruised to Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Key West.

Talent Show with Funship Freddie

Ethan, Ivan and Emmy

Aunt Whitey, Grammy, Daddy, Poppy, Emmy & Ethan

 

I can not believe I didn't buy this shirt.....

Fall 2009.  5 years old.  That means.....TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL!!!

One Year Later......

This is another copy & paste of something I wrote back in 2008.  This was a year after her surgery.



Emilys Heart Appt in Bham...and some serious thoughts
Sept 17, 2008

I truly believe that God chose to use my daughter.  I absolutely wholeheartedly believe that.  I believe that He knew she had enough of a fight in her that she could pull through this whole surgery issue we've had to go through and accomplish the job He intended.  Look at all the good that has come out of it.
Because of her surgery, Josh and I met some amazing new people that prayed for us when they didn't even know who we were.  I just didn't get that, until now.  Because of her surgery, we now are a praying family. 
Ya know, it's sad that it takes something so detrimental to happen to someone or to some family for them to realize everything we have realized.  It shouldn't be that way and we all know it.  If anyone had asked me a year ago if I would be like this, I would have probably told them it was something I chose not to discuss with anyone and grabbed another shot of Jose.  Yeah, the parties were fun.  And yeah, I laughed until I thought I would pee in my pants (probably did a couple of times).  But NONE of that even compares to the feeling I get when my husband takes time to stop the car on our way to Bham, grab my hand and pray for our little girl's doctor's appt with the most sincere and loving voice I've ever heard come out of him.  Or, on the night before my surgery, hearing him pray to God that the doctors take care of his wife and that everything has a good outcome.  A voluntary vocal prayer coming from someone who wouldn't have thought about it 6 months ago.
I do have some amazing friends.  People that I've hurt in the past that have found it in their hearts to forgive me, (a God thing), people that maintain a bond no matter the distance because of the strength of trust and love in the friendship (a God thing), people that have proven time and time again without fail that they are in it for the long haul and there's no substitute (a God thing)....and that's just skimming the surface.  I have finally been able to surround myself with people that I KNOW I can count on.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, I gotta stop and go to bed!  Im so sleepy from the trip!
Ok, emmy's appt.  The ridge is not back.  Her surgery was a success.  There is a 1 in 10 chance it could come back so we are keeping track of it.  (REMEMBER THIS PART FOR A LATER BLOG) We have to go back in 1.5 years.  She will eventually have to have the valve replacement surgery but that's way later on.
If you took time to read through all of this, then I thank you for doing so.
Goodnight and I love you.....

_________________________________________________________________________________

The kids were turning 5 soon and it was time to plan our annual vacation!!!
~Allyson~

To Be or Not To Be...The Eternal Question

As a married couple with children, every once in a while Josh and I would throw the idea around of going to church.  He did not have a good experience with church either so we were both just kinda bleh about it. When we moved into the new house, we were surrounded by neighbors who attended the same church.  We were asked several times to go but neither of us wanted to commit to it.  Of course, something would ALWAYS come up.  But, then Emily's situation happened.

I don't know about you, but being around churchy people made me feel......uncomfortable.  Inadequate.  Embarrassed maybe?  To hear people tell me they would pray for Emily or that she had been added to a prayer list was what I thought "typical" of a churchy person.  What I didn't know was the other side of it.

Amanda put Emily's name on the prayer list.  One evening, we received a surprise visit from a Sunday School teacher at Ridgecrest. Chuck Locke and his wife Monica brought a delicious loaf of bread from Atlanta Bread Company along with pamphlets and magazines from the church.  Josh told me that night he was impressed that people who didn't even know us would take the time to visit.  It wasn't a typical "check the box" type visit but a genuinely concerned visit.  We started considering a visit to church.

Amanda wasn't naggy but she was persistent in us coming to church with them.  We touched on the subject every now and then and she tried to answer any questions I had.  Ridgecrest started a campaign called "Each One Reach One".  It was a challenge for each member to bring one visitor to church with them.  Amanda's son Joshua asked Ethan to be his guest.  I didn't have a good enough excuse for that cutie. ;)

We went to church and then Sunday School.  It was quite a bit different than I was used to.  People were wearing JEANS.  *gasp*  People were actually friendly, not fake-friendly! We kept visiting and eventually joined the church just a few months later.  Man, I was feeling GOOD!  I was rockin' out to 94.3 all the time, reading my devotions and trying to be more aware of who I needed to be.  I wanted to help people and volunteer and just do stuff all the time!  I wanted to spread this amazing feeling I had going on.  All the while, I still thought drinking, smoking and cussing would take me, and whoever else did it, to Hell.  The people that go to Heaven dress nice, go to church every week, read their Bible and essentially never have fun......right?  A friend would order a glass of wine with dinner and I would constantly look around for someone I knew from church. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!  I was the one being judgmental and I didn't like it.  I already felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling because I was (and still am) a Biblical idiot.  The majority of people in our class grew up in church, in good families, graduated from college......none of which I had a clue about.  I dropped out of college to have brain surgery and never went back.  They didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand them.  We kept plugging along though and eventually both of us got baptized.
At the time, I worked in radio.  As the assistant to the General Manager, I got the brunt of his frustration many times although, no one was really safe from it.  He wasn't shy about cussing and was very nonchalant about his use of "GD".  Every time I heard it, it was like an elephant jumped on my chest.  I didn't have a clue what was happening to me.  I couldn't breathe. Josh would talk me out of it.  Turns out they were panic attacks. He did come to me and apologize once and he said he didn't realize it would offend me as bad as it did.  I told him that was THE worst cuss word I knew of and it bothered me for him to use it.  He didn't say it again to me.  However, a year or so later I got the call to go into his office.  I knew the call.   After 8 years there, I was fired.

Enter: Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Our Sunday School class began a study on this book.  Whatever I felt I knew about being saved was nothing compared to what I learned from this book.  I had never felt more insignificant in my life.  THIS VIDEO ROCKED MY WORLD  Take a minute, click on the link and watch it. 
I loved the book but it made me think about things in an entirely different way.  Doubt crept up.
The next book pretty much did me in.  I just checked out.  Week after week I got further away.

New-to-me buzzwords started flying around, such as "gospel centered, community, legalism vs law".  My brain was on overload.  I began to learn things that I didn't like.  Things I didn't understand and I certainly didn't agree with filled my tiny brain.  I questioned things all the time and for the most part all I was told was "the human mind can't comprehend everything God does.  You just have to believe and have faith."  I wasn't trying to be a tyrant.   I was worried I was agnostic or even an atheist.  Why in the world would I put my complete faith in something after the life I had so far?  How is it possible that MY life matters after watching that Francis Chan video?  If there is such thing as predestination then why bother trying to save people if they're going to Hell regardless?  I heard one pastor say EVERYONE has the choice to believe and live an eternity in Heaven and I've heard another say that only the "chosen" will be allowed to go to Heaven IF they choose to believe.  With all these questions and doubts, does that mean no matter how hard I try is it possible I'm NOT chosen?  Why should I worship a God who has let my mother live in absolute agony for years upon years of her life, a God who allows children and elderly to be literally beaten to death?  How could one person dying literally "save" us from an eternity in Hell if we just believed it happened and try to live like Him?  How do people in remote villages of the world that have never heard of God or the Bible go to Heaven??  It all just seemed like a big unbelievable story to me.  Why doesn't God "talk" to people like he used to, hearing his voice like thunder?  Where are the miracles of people being brought back to life?  If demons inhabited people back then, isn't it possible for them to do it today?  How freakin scary is THAT?!?!  WHY are there so many different religions and what makes OURS right if everyone else thinks theirs is??  King James Version vs All Versions.  If the will of God was set before I was even born, then why pray?  Why pray?!?! Why pray for anyone at all if God already has their life mapped out??  I was told by a pastor to look at it from a Parent/Child point of view.  The parent is willing to give to the child and all the child has to do is come ask for it.  So God is holding a blessing for me but is waiting for me to ask for it, and if I don't ask then I don't get it?  More and more and more thoughts went through my head.  Instead of either book helping me, it created a divide.  Don't get me wrong.  Like I said, I love the Chan book because it will knock you flat on your butt with the truth.  I just wasn't dealing with it all very well.  I started to back off from church and from the Bible.  I was borderline defiant.  I talked to Amanda.  I talked to Dena.  I talked to our pastor and his wife.  I talked to Josh.  NO ONE could give me the answers that I needed to hear because, there is no concrete answer.  God just is.  You either accept it or you don't.  You either die to yourself and serve God or you don't.  You can live your entire life being an ass, hurt people or whatever else but as long as you repent and believe before you die you have as much cover as Mother Theresa. I didnt get it.

God's honest truth?  I still feel the same in a lot of ways.  Not all but some.  I stay confused. I'm still a Biblical idiot but I do have a little more knowledge than I did before.  I'm looking for more concrete answers than I'll ever find. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting.  It shouldn't, but it drives me crazy to see people post all this church stuff and Bible verses yet I know how they live, I know how they act.  That's ME judging them and that's not right either. I'm failing my children as the provider of a Christian foundation because I don't have a full understanding of what I believe!!  It's the parents responsibility to educate the children about God and I have failed.

I'm hoping that by homeschooling Ethan this year that I will have a more clear understanding.  I may be more excited than he is about what we are going to learn in the Bible. These last few weeks have stirred a more positive feeling in me.  I feel like I am getting back on track, or at least I have the yearning to get there.  I believe in God.  I believe Jesus died for me.  I do believe.  But I also believe the Devil will never, EVER let up on me.  For that matter, neither will God.

As I close out this very DEEP blog, I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry every time I watch it.  You've probably seen skits of it.  If you've never seen it, really watch and pay attention.  I decided to watch it once more since I haven't seen it in a while.....true to my word, more tears. Even if you HAVE seen it before, watch it again.

Is This You?

My Daughter's Broken Heart

Some of you don't have to imagine this scenario because you've lived it.  If you haven't, think for just a minute about one of your children going into the hospital for a surgery that could take their life.  Seriously......how would you feel?  Helpless? Scared? How do you talk to your child about what they're about to go through without showing any fear at all?  I had to be strong for HER and for Ethan so through my calm, they could be. 

 As another testament to God's grace, I was able to talk to the one person I knew that could help me go through this as a mother.  Even after everything that had taken place between myself and the co-worker, I was able to call his wife.  She understood more than anyone what it meant to have a child with a serious medical issue.  I tried to convey my most sincere apologies in what happened.  She listened, she was kind and she prayed for my little girl to be ok.  Amazingly strong.....

When Emily was born, a heart murmur was detected.  As she got older she would tell people she had a broken heart. 
Our pediatrician kept an eye on it and we started to see a pediatric cardiologist.  I kept a log of events on MySpace so I've just copied on to here.


2007:


Josh and I took Emmy to UAB for her annual check up on her heart murmur. We thought, along with the doctor, that at age 3 we could move on with the plan of doing the heart cath (balloon) and fix her murmur.

Turns out, its worse than the doctor thought. In addition to having the bicuspid valve, she also has a subaortic ridge. Basically, she has tissue inside the aortic valve that's preventing free flow of blood. Her heart is working overtime to push this blood through. Because of that, her heart is becoming enlarged. The measurement from last year to this year is going on double (from 30mm to over 50mm).

We either do this surgery now, or 2-3 years from now she'll have to have a complete valve replacement. Obviously, we opted to do this now.

Basically, what Im getting to......our 3 year old daughter will undergo open heart surgery sometime within the next few weeks. We should get a surgery date scheduled next week and we'll start rolling from there.

___________________________________________________________________________

Trinity Learning Center is where The E's go to daycare.  We have loved this place since we started.  On Emmy's last day before she left for surgery, all of the kids and teachers created this HUGE banner that hung from one wall to the other.  They also gave her a white stuffed bear with a beautiful silver cross on it.  They promised to keep the banner hanging until she returned......

 Update 1
So we're here in B'ham. Emmy walked in dressed up like a Queen, thanks to Mrs. Eddie Farnham. She has a wand, crown, ring and robe. In a day, she's driven a race car wheelchair, gotten a teddy bear, 2 bracelets and a baby doll full of medical supplies to practice on.

She's gotten her IV and her chest XRAY already. The doctor just made his rounds and we're all set for tomorrow. Her Aunt Whitey drove up to be with her as well. 
They're taking her from her room at 7:00am to a holding area. Surgery begins at 8:30am and will last for about two hours. From there, we will be able to see her right when she goes into ICU. She'll spend the day there and if all goes well, she'll come to a regular room on Thursday.

Update 2

The worst part is over.....

Emmy went into surgery this morning crying......not because of the surgery but because she wanted her Daddy to go get her a pizza from Walmart. *lol* When we got to the holding area, we discussed in length the type of pizza, toppings, size etc she wanted. She wasn't worried a bit about what was going on around her. However, she wouldn't calm down about the pizza so the doc ordered some Versed. Gooooooooood stuff. Within minutes, she didn't give a flip about pizza. She was HILARIOUS!!!!!

They started surgery around 8:30am.  Initially when we checked in at the desk, the attendant said to keep an eye on the board for updates and if there was an emergency or something, they would call us back to talk to the doctor.  At 9:52a we got a call that the roughest part of surgery was over. By 11:05a, she was in recovery and we were waiting to see her. And waiting. And waiting. The attendant called us to the front and said the doctor needed to see us.  I was a WRECK.  As I sat in the consultation room, my mind thought of the worse possible scenario for what we were about to hear.  It seemed like forever before the doctor came in.
Turns out, Emily got a little bit of my granny in her. :) When Emmy was coming to, she decided she didnt want her breathing tube in anymore and just pulled it out herself!!!!!!! That little turd. They had to reintubate her and give her more meds to knock her back out. Everything's fine though.......they just forgot who they were dealing with. She tried to warn them with her Queen stuff.....they just didn't listen. :)


Update 3


Emmy is moving to a room this morning!
We'll remain in that room until they release us to go home, whenever that will be.

We got a call this morning around 5am that Emmy had been a perfect angel all night. She had been up watching cartoons, eating some jello, asking for bubba and purple juice (and mommy and daddy too obviously). The nurse said someone had obviously spoken to Emmy about the hospital because once she came off anesthesia and became herself, she was the sweetest little girl. They talked about Water World and school and all kinds of things. So, she's fine. :)

Now WE get to take care of her and that's a little scary. Good thing she has Dr. Daddy. She's already talking about going on another cruise as soon as she's fully recovered.
I'll update again later today when she gets in her room...

2 days post surgery

Update 4

It's Saturday and we're waiting on our discharge papers! My friend Crissy that lives here in B'ham came to see us yesterday and she nearly fell out when she saw Emmy. At the time of her visit, Em was in the midst of a chase with her daddy down the hall.....Emmy on her tricycle and daddy trying to catch up. NOTHING what Crissy (or anyone else for that matter) expected just 2 days post op.
So we're heading home today. the van is packed, Emmy had her bath this morning and is dressed in regular clothes. She's having some lunch right now and then wants to hit the tricycle again. *lol* There's no stopping her now......

Update 5

On Sunday, Emily developed some sort of neurological issue that was severe enough for Josh and I to take her to the ER at SAMC. She had a cat scan to make sure she had not had a stroke, which came out negative. However, her condition still can not be explained. Therefore, we have to take Emily back to B'ham to be checked out by a neurologist there. At this point, we're not sure if what's she's experiencing is permanent or temporary, considering they don't even know what it is.
As of right now, they're looking at two factors: one is the lack of oxygen for 3 minutes when she removed her breathing tube in recovery and the second is a rare occurrence of acquiring a post op neurological disorder from being on the by-pass machine. Hopefully, her condition will be temporary but at this point we just don't have any clue.
Any of you see any interviews with Michael J Fox while he's had Parkinsons? That's what Emmy's going through. She's somewhat confused, uncoordinated, clumsy, slurred speech mildly and CONSTANT movement with her arms, legs, head and facial gestures. It seemed to come in waves on Saturday, being intense during the day, easing early evening and back to intense late last night.



9/11/07

We're heading to Birmingham tonight. We have an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist at 8:30am at Childrens Hospital on Wednesday the 12th. Im stumped on what else to say.....Im just at a loss right now. Sorry.

Thursday, September 13, 2007
Update On Emmy....

Our visit with the Neurologist went really well. Emily has pulled ahead with her recovery tremendously. As Miss Eddie said today, this new neurological issue far overshadows her heart surgery. Heart surgery was a breeze for Em. This "unknown" neuro condition is what's so scary. Anoxic Chorea or Post Pump Chorea is what we've been told. It has hardly been seen since the early 90s and even then, it was rare. The only thing to do right now is to wait and see if she gets better each day.

"Don't tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is."

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Emily’s Check-Up With Her Surgeon 092407

The four of us drove up to B'ham on Monday the 24th for Emily's check-up with Dr. Kirklin.

Dr. Kirklin didn't have a clue about Emily's problem with chorea. He was shocked when we told him everything we had been through with her, the trip to the neuro, the ER, etc...... He said in his 30+ years of surgery, he had never had a patient experience chorea. He was baffled. Then we reminded him that Emily was the one that extubated herself. THEN it all came back to him. He remembered the day very clearly then and said that was the reason for her condition. He explained what happened and why she went without oxygen for so long. They were trying their best to put the breathing tube back in, but she was fighting it and thrashing her head back and forth and they couldn't get it in with ease. They were busy fighting with her and trying not to hurt her trachea. Her blood pressure dropped and she gave everyone quite a scare. They bagged her to help with the air as they tried to get the tube reinserted, but the amount of saturation isn't the same so it only helps a little.

Anyway, she showed no signs of chorea at the appointment and appears as normal as can be now. The doctor gave us his cell phone number and said to make sure we call him directly if we have any other problems with her at all. He also cleared her to go back to school on Monday and she can't be more excited. She said "I get to go see my friends???" Her friends have missed her too. When I called the school to tell them she was coming back, the kids all screamed and some even said "Praise the Lord"! They all say a prayer for Emily every morning and the banner they hung for Emily the day she left is still hanging, waiting for her to come back. (As promised)

Our next appointment is in October and is a follow up with her Pediatric Cardiologist. Luckily, they're having a clinic at SAMC so we don't have to drive back to B'ham.


2008: April.  After everything Emily went through, we ALL needed a vacation.  Our favorite?  Another cruise.  Don't sit there and think we're some hoity toity family that runs off on vacations all the time.  I research everything and go as cheap as possible.  Our cruise tickets don't usually cost more than $200 (plus port fees) and the kids are usually $50-$100.  You can hardly go on a beach vacation for 5 days for those prices AND you get treated like royalty!   On this trip we visited St. Maarten, St Thomas and San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Now, about that Devil.......

Walking With The Devil

Faith?  Right.  What faith did I have? Yes, I made it through brain surgery.  Yes, I
got pregnant with twins and had a (relatively) safe delivery.  For each good I could think of two bad. Relying on God to get through this next chapter in our lives was not the first thing I thought about. 

Matthew 8:26   And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

To understand where I was, you need to understand the past.  I'm digging deep into the memory bank for this one......

We rarely attended church when my parents were together. When I spent the night with Granny, I always went.  I sat in the balcony with a sweet elderly man named Julian Tyler whose wife was in the choir with Granny.  I either doodled or napped but I never paid attention.  I would fill in the letters that had holes in the bulletin (a,b,d,p etc). I never felt like I fit in with the kids.  Although I did have one friend, Elizabeth Colarusso.   I was always SO happy when she was there so I wouldn't have to be alone.
After church, Granny and I would go to Jack's across from Dothan High School to get burgers.  When we finished lunch, she would sit in her chair and read the Sunday paper while the NFL games were on.  Funny how certain things are etched into your brain.
I think I have a picture somewhere of my father in a suit.  It had to be a special occasion because we didn't normally attend church.  It wasn't foundational.  My parents would fight all week, we would go to church on Sunday and they would pick right back up where they left off when we got home.  I heard other families talking about where they were going to meet for lunch together and I always wanted to do that!!  Needless to say, I didn't know a thing about God, Jesus or the gospel.  All I knew was that if you drank, smoked or cussed you were going to Hell.  Rules. Judgement. Stuff I just didn't want to hear.
When my parents split up, I left for a week.  I stayed with my Granny and some with Heather.  Anywhere but home.  I honestly can't even remember why or when but at some point I took a walk down the aisle.  (Things are kinda fuzzy around that time period.) I took the walk and then I had to meet with a lady every week for about 6 weeks or so to learn the basics of being a Christian.  I had to learn the books of the Bible, do worksheets etc.  After I finished the course, I was baptized.  It was some sort of Survival course.  I was 12ish.
I don't remember life changing much afterwards.  Apparently it didn't because I have a good collection of memories with Laura & Heather and they definitely were not church-worthy.
At one point, I was playing with Ouija boards, writing 666 & anarchy symbols on my speakers in my room.  It was a show.  I didn't really want to worship the Devil.  It was just a heavy metal thing and I loved my head bangin' circle of friends.  I had fluffy red carpet, a huge fluffy white bedspread, a black light and I fell asleep every night listening to "Metallica-And Justice For All".  This is what my room looked like:

One afternoon I was home alone playing with the Ouija board when my Granny knocked on the door.  I got up, went to the door and talked to her for a little bit.  She left and when I went back to the Ouija board, I asked who was at the door.  It told me my Granny.  I completely FREAKED out.  A couple of other strange occurrences happened and I got more and more weirded out.  My mom was worried so I had pastors calling me talking to me about the 666 stuff and how I was acting.  They might as well have been talking to a wall.  I wasn't ready to hear any of it.  Honestly, I can't even tell you what flipped the switch to make me get out of that stuff. 
Something happened around 14-15 when I went on a trip with the church youth group.  Not a clue where we went.  I do remember leaving chapel one night, walking alone and crying because of the guilt I felt in how I was living.  I vowed to be a better person and to get my life straight.  When I got back home, I talked to Chris (Wier) about what happened to me and how I wanted to change.  Two weeks maybe?  It didn't last long.  Chris went to church with me one night to see some speaker or revival and people stared at us the whole time.  I wasn't imagining it.  We were in the top row of the balcony so it was obvious when people were turning around in their seats to look up at us.  He had extremely long hair and apparently it wasn't welcome. 
My mom remarried and they attended church every week.  They both sang in the choir so I went as well.  I still don't remember a thing about it, only the feeling that I just didn't belong.  I didn't feel comfortable.  They went, I didn't.  I would fake sleep, fake sick, not be home.....anything I could do to get out of going to church, I did it.  Her husband, although super nice in the beginning, eventually became someone different than she married.  He was vain.  He was, I don't know.  I have a hard time finding a word.  The last straw came when he kicked me out while my mother was in the bed with the flu. I didn't go anywhere......but he did. Another divorce.
My Granny always asked me to come to The Living Christmas Tree because she was in the choir.  I would typically go to that and loved it while I was there.  After that, church became a thing of the past.  All I knew was judgement and the feeling of being unaccepted.  Chad (Wiebelt) is Catholic so when we dated, I wanted to convert just so I would be able to drink.  That's so funny to think about now.  How ridiculous was I?
My teen years passed.  Early twenties passed.  Brain surgery passed.  Josh and I got married at the Court House, no church service.  Late twenties passed.
I feared God in the sense that I just didn't want to go to Hell.  I wasn't really willing to change my life to live for Him.   I did the crap prayer of "If you'll just give me THIS, I won't ask you for anything ever again!" I knew I was supposed to honor my mother and father but there's no way I was about to do that after what I had been through as a kid.  I held on to a lot of anger and resentment.  I didn't even go through half of what my brother and sister did so I can't imagine how they feel.
My (lack of) relationship with God was an ongoing battle between surrendering to Him or living life for myself.  As it stood, I was winning the battle....until I received terrifying news about the most precious thing in the world to me.

Special Blog: Losing My Last Grandparent

This is a post I made on MySpace after my Granny passed away.  January 2007

 

Losing My Last Grandparent 

Kathryn Powell Brantley

Saturday, January 13, 2007
My first grandparent died before I was even born, how fair was that? He died January 11, 1972- a full two years before I was born. Yet his memory lived on through my family and random people I came across that knew him because of the life he chose to live. One of a kind, I've heard......someone I would have really been proud to call my Grandfather. It's no wonder my grandmother stayed faithful to his memory these past 35 years.

My second grandparent (my dad's mom) passed away late in 1994. I was on a 3 week trip to Hawaii and she passed away while I was there. I missed everything.

My third grandparent (my dad's dad) passed away shortly after his wife, like many do. I was in Gainesville, FL having brain surgery, of all things. Again, I missed everything.

So, this time, when I got the call from my step-dad that the dying process had started for my grandmother and it was time for the family to be with her...I made plans to be there until the end. She was the one grandparent that had always been there for me, and everyone else in the family, whenever we needed something. It was only fair that I give up everything I had going on to be with her.

I made it to the Nursing Home in Graceville by 8pm on Wednesday night. The doctor and nurses said it would be any time. Granny had gone into a non-responsive sleep earlier in the day and the "process" had already started. Her earlobes folded down, her nose started to turn a little, her chest started to rattle and her thumbs were beginning to turn in. Her feet were so cold. My mom, step-dad, sister, brother, sister in law and I just sat in the room and talked to her. We told her we loved her and that it was ok to go on-to finally go see Grandpoppy. It had been 35 years....he was calling her home to see him. This was Jan 10th.

We realized my Grandfather died January 11th so maybe she was holding out until the 11th. ? Midnight rolled around, people left.......my step-dad left for a little while to check on things at home, mom was in constant pain with her Parkinson's so she dozed off and on. I sat there next to Granny, holding her hand, all night. I listened to the rhythym of her breathing and would doze for a few minutes here and there, only to wake up to the nurses checking her vitals every 30 minutes.

At 2am, she started getting a fever.....103.9. By 4am, it was up even more. It hit 106. They couldnt break it with Tylenol, Ibuprofen.....nothing would work. They came in with bags of ice and covered her in it. Her respirations per minute were up to 63....she was not comfortable yet she was still in this natural sleep that no one could get her out of. The doctor came by to check her and said to do whatever it took to make her last hours comfortable. Liquid oral morphine......every 10-15 minutes until it got her respirations down to a comfortable level. By late afternoon, she was down to 30 respirations per minute, then 24, then 20, then 17. Her blood pressure dropped from 142/86 to 60/40, then 50/40 and after that they couldn't read it anymore. Her pulse rate went from 90 to 50.

I called Josh and told him her vitals. He said the end was getting closer and told us what we needed to be looking for. I explained to my sister what Josh said.......that right near the end, Granny's respirations would get really quick and then slow down and she'd taken one deep breath and then she'd be gone. Josh works in the ER-he's seen it enough, we trusted him to know.

All day long, the nurses kept coming to us and asking if there was ANYONE Granny had not heard from. They wanted to make sure we had all talked to her and told her it was ok go. We reassured them we all had said everything we needed to say. They just kept saying she was holding on and fighting for something because by all accounts, it looked like she was going to pass Wednesday night.

Finally, at 11:30p on Thursday night my sister said she knew exactly what it was. As stubborn as all the women are in our family, Granny has to outdo Grandpoppy and go one more day than him. We all laughed because it's true (all of our husbands can tell you)-we are very stubborn women that love to prove our husbands wrong. *lol*

At this point, Im going on nearly 48 hours straight of no sleep. Others have come and gone, slept and taken breaks. I haven't left my Grandmother's side for more than 30 minutes the entire time. My sister and I were still just sitting there watching her breathe. I pulled up my chair closer to the bed, let the rail down and layed my head down on Granny's chest. I knew it would be the last time I would ever get to know the comfort of a grandparent. I instantly fell asleep......that was at 1am.

At 1:17am, my sister grabbed my shirt and whispered "She quit breathing-she did EXACTLY what Josh said she would do" and I looked up at my grandmothers face just in enough time to see her take her last deep breath. As she exhaled for the last time, her tired body rested for the first time in 87 years. It was the most peaceful thing I ever witnessed in my entire life. I thought we would all bust out crying at the loss of my grandmother but it was the weirdest thing. Not one of us cried. We all looked at Granny and knew she was going home to be with the only man she ever loved in her entire life. The man she had missed for 35 years was waiting for her in heaven and at that exact moment we were losing her.....she was going to be with him. It was amazing to me.

So.........then it was time to call the funeral home. My mom and David left to go home. My sister and I stayed. After they got Granny bathed and dressed, my sister and I crawled up on each side of the bed and layed down next to Granny. We talked about how good of a Granny she was and different funny things we remembered about her. We eventually fell asleep until the funeral home got there to take her away. We left before we saw that.

Granny had some Alzheimer's and therefore couldn't grasp a lot of reality. Her closest and last remaining brother passed away in November, but we never told her because it just didn't seem to serve a purpose. She had no clue who any of us were and there was no reason to upset her if she did know who he was. So, not only did she get to see her husband again, she got to see her brother that she didn't even know was there! He was a jokester too. I bet he was hiding behind my grandfather and jumped out from behind him to surprise her. *lol* I could just see their reunion now. I told my mom I wish I could have seen the look on my grandmother's face when she got to heaven and saw him.

Friday, after we met at the funeral home to write the obituary and plan the service, I went to my grandmothers house to pick out her clothes for the funeral. That's not such an easy task to complete. I finally picked out a pretty pale pink suit with a beautiful white blouse. I have to go buy her some earrings today. Doesn't seem natural. I realized when I walked in my grandmothers house today that I would never see her get up out of her chair and turn to give me a hug again. It's the end of an era and the last grandparent for me. I sure will miss my Granny.......


 

The last picture we took together......

The Years from Hell

I am not kidding when I tell you that 2006 and 2007 were the years from hell.  There were some definite highlights, such as the cruises.
I can't believe I survived and I certainly can't believe my marriage survived.  We had been married for 7 years by now.  Y'all hold on because it's about to get real.......and I can't even believe I'm about to tell this to the world.

2006
At this point in time, I was doing Metabolic Research Center and I had lost over 50 pounds.  I was confident and felt absolutely amazing.

 I didn't feel like Josh praised me enough for what I went through to lose the weight.  That was my fault for being self absorbed.  I was relying on his praise to make myself feel better.  Feeling like that was a great opportunity for some serious demons to attack and they did.  A male co-worker of mine sent me an email to let me know what a fantastic job I had done in losing weight and how great I looked.  Email frequency increased and became more intense.  Emails turned into small talk in each others offices and "innocent" hugs to each other.  Although it didn't go "all the way", what we had done was bad enough.  I'm sure the people that knew about this back then don't believe that but I can honestly say that's the absolute truth.  An emotional affair had taken place and both of our marriages were in trouble.  His wife found out and then Josh found out.  It was gut wrenching for all of us.  Josh and I split up for 2-3 months.  He moved in with his sister and went to Jamaica for his cousin's wedding.  I had already seen a lawyer and given him an outline of how Josh and I were going to divide everything. 
It was only thru the grace of God that Josh and I reconciled and he found a way to forgive me.  He didn't have to, nor did I deserve for him to.  In his mind, we had made a promise to God when we said our vows and we were going to fix it.  (The co-worker made amends with his wife as well.)  Josh moved back in and we worked on putting our lives back together.  I knew Josh didn't trust me so I was open about absolutely everything.  If I went to the bathroom, I left my phone on the table.  I let him have passwords to anything he wanted.  Whatever I had to do to make him trust me again, I did it.  It took a LONG time but after about a year he uttered the words "I trust you".  I was stunned.  I was ecstatic but I was stunned.  I promised that I would never, ever do anything to hurt him like that again.  With my shame and humiliation came.....you guessed it......inflation.  It took a little while but from that time until today, I have gained almost exactly 100 pounds.  A lady once told me she thinks the reason I have a hard time losing weight is because I fear what happened before could happen again. Sabotaging myself. 

2007:
Josh and I were mending.  We needed to get out of town to spend some time alone.  My co-worker Misty was planning a vacation with her family and I was helping with the research.  (Something I LOVE to do!!)  In my research I came across a 5 day cruise out of Jacksonville for only $180 each.  I immediately called Josh and we booked it!  We had never been on one before so we were super excited.

As you've already read, my Granny passed away in January 2007.  Our cruise was booked to leave mid January so that actually all worked out.  We went to Key West, Florida and Nassau Bahamas.  In the Bahamas, we went snorkeling.  *sigh*  It was so amazing.  When we returned, we were telling Josh's parents about it.  They got so excited we found another cheap cruise and booked it for April 2007!!  We went the week of the E's 3rd birthday so they were completely spoiled by the crew the entire trip.  We left out of Mobile and cruised to Cozumel & Costa Maya.  We toured the Mayan ruins and went to an underground mineral pool to swim.  We also rented Jeeps and traveled in a caravan to the beach and enjoyed an authentic Mexican buffet.

In May of that year we bought a house.  It got to the point where the kids would tell us "there are monsters in our house".  At first I thought it was just a typical kid-afraid-of-the-dark kinda thing.  Then I realized, this house DOES have monsters.  For me, my sister, my brother and my mom.  I don't know how real it was but my kids felt some kind of wickedness in that house.  We left.  We bought a house in a beautiful neighborhood with lots of kids and a pond!  THIS is where my friendship with Amanda Smith came in to play.  Amanda Smith can be credited with helping to save my soul.  There are a gazillion beautiful pictures of her I could put on her, but if you know Amanda, then you know this is the real thing.

I couldn't leave her hangin' like that.  *lol*  Here's a better one!!!

So, our summer went well.  We were getting to know our new neighbors.  Josh and I were still rocky but we were hanging in there.  Then, our lives had a major shift that completely rocked our world.  Whatever Faith we thought we had was about to be tested.