Yo Momma!

Im sitting here reading about the movie theater shooting in Lafayette, Louisiana.  I have a dear friend who lives in Lafayette and had just taken her kids to that theater a week ago.

With each new story that rolls out, my heart aches.  Don't just READ the story of the shooting, absorb it and realize it's not just 3 people that died.....3 PEOPLE DIED just from going to a movie!!!  Doesn't that infuriate you like it does me?  Doesn't it break your heart?  What if it was your wife who had gone out with the girls for the night and you nonchalantly said bye to her when she left because you knew she would be home later.  She's not.  She's gone.  Does that change how you view that story at all?  IT SHOULD! 


Let's not forget the horror the father will have to live with for the rest of his life when hearing, "Help me Dad!" as his daughter dies from being shot.  Again, don't just read that.  IMAGINE it was your kid.

I understand being cautious and teaching our kids to watch out for strangers, look both ways, etc.  We can teach them about things like that.  There's an evil that's developed and it seems impossible to prepare for because you literally have NO idea when or where it will attack.  Is it possible to teach something you don't understand because I certainly don't understand this world we're living in? It's not just in big cities like New York, LA or Chicago.  Lafayette, Louisiana!  Chattanooga, Tennessee where we were just on vacation!!

Our world has become so numb to everything.  We read the headlines of the news for the day.  We watch the "breaking news" to tell us of some new disastrous situation that's just happened.  We watch it, may even post about it on Facebook, say a prayer and then keep on moving along.  We're dehumanizing so many things in an effort to just survive.

PEOPLE!!!!  This WHOLE world is in serious trouble and aside from Jesus returning to save us from all of this, I just don't see anything getting any better!  I actually see it getting worse.  How many stories of leaving animals and children in hot cars will it take??   We hear about that almost weekly now.  The dog that was shot TWICE and left on the railroad tracks.  The dog that had the duct tape around its muzzle.  Hanging puppies and posting the pictures.  Beyond that, beheading innocent children for believing in God.  Veterans not being taken care of.  SELLING DEAD BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!  Going into a church and killing so many innocent people because of the hate in his heart.  Killing our soldiers on OUR ground.  And on and on and on.....

Now we're going to get geared up for a Presidential Election.  In a time where the world needs to come together, all of these candidates are already strategizing how to annihilate their opponents.  Who really wins when you people do that?  Stop worrying about smearing your opponents and show us what YOU have done and will do. You know what that reminds me of?  Elementary school tattle-tailing.  "Obama did so and soooooo", "Yeah well Hilary did it first"......such childishness.  Why don't you all just go ahead and end every campaign commercial with "Yo Momma!"  I mean, wasn't that the stereotypical comeback from kids?

Seriously though people, I truly hope you've reconciled in your heart what you believe because the time IS coming.  I don't know about you, but there's nothing comparable to an eternity in Heaven and I know, with absolute certainty that is where I'm going.  Believing in God isn't enough.  You can't just say "Oh yeah, I believe in God!"  Even the demons believe in God, right?  What are you going to do with your belief?

He's coming back.......and tomorrow's not soon enough.

Enough is enough with the “never enough”

Never (blank) Enough................

There are so many words to put in that blank.  

Never “thin” enough

Never “pretty” enough

Never “smart” enough

Never “loud” enough

Never “trendy” enough

Never “outgoing” enough

Never enough “money”

Never enough “sex”

Never enough “time”

The list continues on and on and on….

Why do we let people make us feel like we’re not enough?  I have to be honest.  This past week has weighed me down worse than I’ve been down in a while.  ‘I have had the constant feeling of not being “enough” for anyone.  I don’t clean enough.  I don’t cook enough.  I don’t cuddle enough.  I'm not happy enough.  I don't talk enough.  I definitely know I’m not thin enough and that thought still consumes me every moment I’m awake.  I’m tired of not being enough.  I look at the person I was 20 years ago, even 15 years ago and wonder what the heck happened to me.  I don’t like this 40 year old me.  At all.  Each new day presents an opportunity to change and by the end of each new day, I’m the same.  I want to wake up one morning and attack the world with a vengeance.  But ohhhhh, that snooze button.  The one that says " today isn't the day, let's sleep a little longer" and I listen because I'm a sucker.

Surely I'm not alone in this.  

I may never be a good enough mother, a good enough wife, a good enough friend, neighbor, daughter or sister.  There will always be ONE person that will listen to my fears, allow me to scream in anger and cry for no reason, never leave me even when I feel like I don’t deserve anyone and love me unconditionally for my entire life, and beyond.  He was, is and always will be enough…..For me and for the world.  

This one is an oldie but it's so good......

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you.

 

It's My Party & I'll Whine If I Want To

In your normal day to day mind, do you think of yourself as the age you are? 

In my mind, I’m still in my twenties.  When I walk past a mirror or catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection, it literally takes my breath away.  I don’t mean in a good way.  I mean in a what-the-hell-are-you-thinking-you-fat-cow kinda way.  There are rare occasions when I actually involve myself in a conversation with someone and I start to become animated.  Like my old self.  There are times I’ll walk through a crowd of people and say my hellos, laugh and enjoy myself until I see my reflection in someone’s sunglasses or come across a mirror, etc.  Even sitting here typing this.  I’m sitting in a room with full sunlight and I can see the glare of myself in the background of the screen.  I’m careful to keep my head up but not for the reason you think.  I don’t mean that metaphorically.  If I hold my head down to read or get on the computer, the jowls grow bigger and the skin steps to my mouth appear.  Rather, appear larger than they already are.  At a recent marriage conference Josh and I attended, a lady came up to our table to take our picture.  Josh immediately told her that I didn't do pictures.  She insisted, took the pic and walked away.  Of course, I instantly started crying as the service was about to start.  With Josh's help, I quickly pulled myself together so no one would see the tears.  Friends and family members all know that I don't do pictures.  While it may be a game to them, to me it's gut wrenching.  It turns a normal get together into an event I calculate a way out of. At this point in my life, I H A T E having my picture taken, and I do not use that word lightly.  

Deep down inside me, I KNOW there’s a fighter.  I’ve seen her kick butt before.  Where is she now?  WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!!?   Sometimes, I am absolutely floored at how different I am compared to my 20 year old self.  I know our bodies change.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about me, in general.  I wonder how Josh and the kids have put up with me for so long.  I can’t stand myself, how can they?  I’m gross.  I’m rude.  I’m mean.  I’m irritable…….and that’s on a good day.  I literally feel like Mrs. Trunchbull.   I, in no way, want to diminish others, but I feel like an addict.  I am addicted to food.  It pisses me off to no end that I’ve allowed this to control my life. 

I see people with half eaten plates of food and I don’t understand.  How do you pass on cake? Ice cream? Candy? How do you drink water all day every day and feel satisfied?  How is it possible to show (any) restraint when it comes to food?  If I told you what I consume each day, honestly, it would floor you and embarrass me.  No diet, lifestyle change, exercise or weight loss product will do any good until I get my head right. 

As I sat here typing this, I got a text from one of my biggest supporters.  She hasn’t given up on me.  I’ve given up on me, but she hasn’t.  Crazy isn’t it?  She reiterates that none of this is an easy fix and that it takes hard work and dedication.  I used to know what that meant.  I don’t anymore. 

I take that back. I KNOW what it means.  I just can’t seem to execute it.  If I were counseling someone like me, I would be so frustrated.  I watch “My 600 lb. Life” in utter disgust.  In reality, I could very well be on that show one day.  I have the same mentality as many of them.  I listen to their excuses and am both convicted and critical of them.  God, please save me from this craziness!!!

Don’t take this as me wanting your pity.  Ì don’t.  Typing this out somehow makes it more real.  I can’t wait for the day when I snap out of this and get on with living my life instead of……well, ending up on a weight-based reality show.

Today wasn’t the day.  Wonder what tomorrow's blank page will say.

Just bein' real, folks.  Just bein' real.

I've Got A Blank Space Baby......

We all do.  A friend of mine posted something interesting on New Years Eve.  After her post, I saw it literally everywhere so apparently people liked it!!

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book.  Write a good one." 

 How simple is that?  As with most things, it's easier said than done.  However, it is nice to think that at the end of every year, my "book" ends and a new one begins.  Some years are Best Sellers and some need to be in the bargain bin.  No matter what was written on those pages in the past, it's comforting to know that I am forgiven and I am loved, thank you God!!!

Where does 2014 fit in for me?  Amongst all the bad there was a lot of good so I think somewhere in middle fits just fine. I'm not sure if it's possible to do a recap but I will try (with the help of my trusty Facebook timeline!!):

Our year started out with a trip to the Humane Society.  Our first.  The kids and I delivered some blankets that were donated through the SGA at Heard.  That place hurts my heart so badly.  I have to keep a total blackout in my brain when it comes to thinking about the amount of neglected and abused animals in this world.  Kudos to Ian Somerhalder for all of his work with ISF.  I wish there was enough money in this world to take care of them all.

In February, Ethan FINALLY got contacts!  He's been wearing glasses since he was 2 years old.  OMGoodness did he bloom after he got them!  He went from having a shaved head to a head FULL of hair.  He's a totally different kid.

In March, Ethan and Emily performed in a Talent Show at Heard with their friends, Devin & Tonantzin.  They did an awesome dance to Jailhouse Rock and ended up in 3rd place!  Also in March, we took our first camping trip to Cape San Blas/Indian Pass, Florida.  The beach was literally right outside of our camper AND it was completely empty.  We were able to take Triggy with us and we even were able to take him with us into town at Appalachicola to eat dinner!  We really had a great vacation together.
April brought a birthday for the E's.  It was our first double digit birthday!!  Mom was well enough at the time to go to church so we visited Southside with them.  We followed that with our annual family birthday dinner at Outback.

In May, Ethan's Cub Scout den was promoted to Boy Scouts at the Arrow of Light ceremony.  Webelos is supposed to take two years to complete but their den leader had them complete it in only a year.  Ethan really enjoyed the aspect of Cub Scouts, and even Boy Scouts, but his interest diminished quickly and he withdrew from Scouts.

May also brought another school year to a close.  Ethan was in his last year at Heard (a 5th grader) and earned Student of the Year, Valedictorian, straight A's for 5 years and winner of the Academic Bowl.  He really is amazing to watch.  For his accomplishments, his dad got him his own rifle.  It turns out, hunting isn't really his thing but he enjoys shooting so at least he will be able to use it on clays.

In June, we returned to our home church of Ridgecrest Baptist Church.  This was NOT an easy decision for us to make.  We had made some wonderful friendships at Redeemer but ultimately we made the decision we thought would be best for our family.  The kids also attended their first week-long camp at Camp Victory.  They absolutely loved it and didn't want to leave when we picked them up!!  Josh and I went to New Orleans for a couple of days while they were at camp.  I can safely say that was probably our last trip to New Orleans for a while.
In July, we took a road trip vacation!  Our first stop was to Akron, Ohio to visit my side of the family.  We had Strickland's custard.  This has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember!!!

We visited the Amish stores & restaurants and we attended the annual Powell family picnic!! From there we went to Monroe, Michigan to visit Josh's side of the family.  We met them in Sandusky, Ohio and hit up Cedar Point Amusement Park.  AWESOMMMMMME!!!!!!

On the way home, we stopped in Gatlinburg for a few days.  Hiking is one of our most favorite things to do as a family. We collect medallions from each trail that we complete!

 Josh always leads, followed by Emily, Ethan and then me.  As Josh was walking around a small curve, I saw the bushes on his left move a little bit.  I held the kids back because they moved a bit more.  Out walked a bear not even 5 feet from Josh!!!  The bear casually walked up the path a bit and then headed up into the mountain.  Talk about an adrenaline rush!!!!
July was a big birthday for me as I finally joined the "40" club.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I was bothered because I had not lost the weight I wanted to before I hit the age but at least I hit it!!  I started writing this blog in the summer of 2014 as well.  I would have NEVER believed it would become what it has.  I wish I had taken the time to stretch out the stories instead of posting every day.  I knew I would run out of things to say.  Nevertheless, the words of encouragement have been amazing and I thank each of you that have expressed them to me!!!  I haven't totally dismissed the book idea.....  If you're wondering what Im talking about, feel free to start the "series" from the beginning here: The Introduction
August 2014 was a month I will never forget.  After years of talks and questions, the kids finally sat down with Brother Lloyd and had the talk.  Talk they did....for several hours!  Ultimately, they both came to the conclusion to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and to follow it with baptism.  SO proud of them for making that decision!

School started back in August.  This year began a little different than others though.  I started homeschooling Ethan when Emily went back to school for 5th grade.  I had no idea what to expect and was scared to death I would fail at educating my child.  It was a little rocky to start with but we found our groove quickly and we were zooming through the curriculum.  Until......
I am definitely not going to go into detail on the whys of it all, but Josh and I decided to pull Emily from school so she could be homeschooled as well.  I pulled Ethan back a bit and sped Emily up so we could all be on the same page.  It took a couple of weeks but we finally got there!  

 
In September, we traveled to Children's Hospital for Emmy's annual heart check up.  Everything looked good but most importantly, her doctor cleared her to FINALLY start taking gymnastics!  She isn't allowed to be in competitive gymnastics though.

Ethan decided to start taking art lessons.  I definitely think he found his hobby because he is fantastic!!!  I'm proud for them to be able to do the things they love!

Drawing at 1st lesson

The rest of these are after 1 month of lessons

I started Advocare in October, thanks to Amanda and her sister-in-law, Haley.  It's a last ditch effort since I seem to fail at everything else and the possibility of being on The Biggest Loser is non-existent!!  At this point (January 2015), I've lost 16 pounds so apparently we're doing something right!  I have 84 more to go but at least its a start!
At the end of October, I got braces.  Yes, a 40 year old woman with braces.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I have to wear these for a year.  Next Christmas I will have orthognathic surgery followed by another year of braces.  Aside from the pain in getting used to them for the first few weeks, I can say that the worst part of braces for me is eating.  Eating is absolutely disgusting now.  Food gets stuck in cracks and crevices.  I have to be conscious about every bite so I can make sure there's nothing left when I'm finished.  Swishing food out afterwards is just gross.  Bleh.
November & December brought the normal holiday fare.  Josh is still flying back and forth from California and it really is going well.  We were able to provide the kids with a nice Christmas without going overboard AND sticking to our rule on paying cash for everything.  It's a pain some times but it's also very gratifying to be able to pay for something without the strings of debt attached.
We welcomed a new family member this year, Lincoln Godwin (our nephew by way of Whitney & Ryan).  We celebrated birthdays and milestones together.  Mom's health is declining but she's still with us and she still has that sassy streak in her.
My time with the PTO at Heard is also coming to an end as I pass on my treasurer duties.  At first I was a little upset about not being in the day-to-day craziness but time has shown me that I made the right decision.  It has been an eye opener to say the least.  I don't know if teachers don't realize it or if they do it intentionally but things that are said in front of students are heard, and repeated.  It stings a bit.
We've made a lot of new friends and built stronger relationships with those we already knew.  We also lost several friendships but, it happens.  Some are just seasonal I suppose!

So, what about your blank space, baby????